[telephone rings]
I'll be up in a few! Hello?
Hey, Sid, it's Alex. Just callin to wish ya a happy birthday, man.
Alex, Alex, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
for remembering, thank you.
My pleasure. Did you do anything fun today?
Nothing special. Amy made lasagna, we had cake, the kids
gave me a tie and some socks, terrific.
That's awesome, man. Hey, I got a gift comin your way too. I
Fedex'ed it so you should probly get it tomorrow.
[Gasp] Thank you, thank you, Alex, thank you. What is it?
It's pretty cool. You'll see tomorrow.
Aww, come on, give me a hint at least. Can I ride it? Can
I eat it?
Nope.
Can I fuck it?
Ahaha, no.
Can it fuck me?
No.
Is it hairy? Is it something I can shave?
No.
Can it blow me?
No....
Is it something I can blow?
No...
Can I fuck it?
You already asked me that...
If I take it apart, are there individual parts that I can fuck?
I don't think so...
Fair enough... If I sit on it for a while, will I cum?
Noooo....
Is it something Amy can strap on and fuck me with?
Sid! No!
If I get jizz all over it, will it be ruined?
I think...
Does it sweat?
Noo...
Is it something that can be used like... a pussy?
That's just another way of asking if you can fuck it...
My bad... Does it get big if you touch it?
No...
Does it get hard if you touch it?
Nooo...
If my Amy catches me blowing it, will she be mad?
Look, you can't blow it, man, we already talked about that...
Right, okay... let's say I'm stranded on a desert island with
just this item... am I getting a rim job?
NO!
Can I fuck it?
NO, it's a toaster, man, just a toaster!
Oh! So I can fuck it? In fact, two people can fuck it at the
same time! Alex, ya wanna come over and fuck my toaster
this weekend?
Don't mind if i doo doo....
Hahaha, oh, Alex
Hahaha, oh, Sid...
Pibb Goes Surfing - adam sandler
You were cruisin along there, Mr. Pibb
It wasn't too painful a paddle out here to the big waves as you like to call em, Sonny!
Didn't look it
Actually, it was a nice wake-me-up for my laticerace muscles
Water's pretty nice, huh?
Boy, oh boy, the Hawaiin sea's like a warm cup of java!
Temperaturo perfecto as the Africans might say!
Yeah, yeah... So listen to me for a sec, when the set comes in, just stay flat on the board, pointed towards the beach. I'll tell you when to start paddelin, and keep paddelin til the wave grabs you
I hear ya! Let Mother Nature do her duty!
Right on...
Right now!
Yeah, right now...
Yeah!
Then when I say stand up, hop up quick like I showed ya and ride
Affirmative, captain!
But don't go too far right, there's a lot of nasty coral over there
Well here comes a triple overheader right now! Let me tear into that sucker!
I dunno, that's comin awfully steep, Pibb
No steeper than that tsunami I rode back in 1928 on my grandpappy's TV tray! Let's do this!
You're the boss, Pibb... Start paddelin, now!
Will do!
Paddle! Paddle! Paddle!
Paddle, paddle, fiddle faddle! I love it!
Okay, okay, you're in it, baby! Stand up! Stand up, Pibb!
I'm standin! I'm standin! Whoo hoo, I'm up!
Yeah, man! Way to go Pibb!
I'm speedin along here!
[different man] Hey, old man, you better pull out before you hit that reef!
Well, thanks, amigo, but I didn't come out here for no six second ride!
Bail out, Pibb!
Not until I get the tube! Aaaah!!!
[crashing and cracking noises]
[different man from before] Oh, nasty brudda!
Hang on, Pibb, I'll be right there! Oh my God, that was sick!
You okay, Mr. Pibb!?
Is there a doctor in the house? Oooooh!!!
[another wave hits, more cracking and crashing]
It wasn't too painful a paddle out here to the big waves as you like to call em, Sonny!
Didn't look it
Actually, it was a nice wake-me-up for my laticerace muscles
Water's pretty nice, huh?
Boy, oh boy, the Hawaiin sea's like a warm cup of java!
Temperaturo perfecto as the Africans might say!
Yeah, yeah... So listen to me for a sec, when the set comes in, just stay flat on the board, pointed towards the beach. I'll tell you when to start paddelin, and keep paddelin til the wave grabs you
I hear ya! Let Mother Nature do her duty!
Right on...
Right now!
Yeah, right now...
Yeah!
Then when I say stand up, hop up quick like I showed ya and ride
Affirmative, captain!
But don't go too far right, there's a lot of nasty coral over there
Well here comes a triple overheader right now! Let me tear into that sucker!
I dunno, that's comin awfully steep, Pibb
No steeper than that tsunami I rode back in 1928 on my grandpappy's TV tray! Let's do this!
You're the boss, Pibb... Start paddelin, now!
Will do!
Paddle! Paddle! Paddle!
Paddle, paddle, fiddle faddle! I love it!
Okay, okay, you're in it, baby! Stand up! Stand up, Pibb!
I'm standin! I'm standin! Whoo hoo, I'm up!
Yeah, man! Way to go Pibb!
I'm speedin along here!
[different man] Hey, old man, you better pull out before you hit that reef!
Well, thanks, amigo, but I didn't come out here for no six second ride!
Bail out, Pibb!
Not until I get the tube! Aaaah!!!
[crashing and cracking noises]
[different man from before] Oh, nasty brudda!
Hang on, Pibb, I'll be right there! Oh my God, that was sick!
You okay, Mr. Pibb!?
Is there a doctor in the house? Oooooh!!!
[another wave hits, more cracking and crashing]
The Amazing Willy Wanker - adam sandler
When I was just a little wee lad
I hopped on the lap of my dear old dad
Something jumped and poked me good
'That' he said 'just me morning wood'
A little tin soldier's marchin by
Sergeant major unzips his fly
Pulls his weapon from his camouflage pants
Slaps away til it starts to dance
A shootin star's above my bed
Changin colors of my mushroom head
A rainbow jizz flys across the room
Little white spermies meet their doom
(Ah!) The amazing Willy Wanker!
(Aaaah!) The amazing Willy Wanker!
And my scrotum sack he says
Lalalalalala, tickle me!
Little green men from outer space
Here to exterminate the human race
Drop their ray guns and retreat to their ships
When marshmallow sauce squirts from me tip
Like a knight of olden Camelot
The goo takes off like an arrow shot
Gwynevere drops to her knees and begs
For the spittin dragon between me legs
I'm using my thing for what it's for
Gentle knock upon me door
Mumsy drops her cup of tea
When she sees my wank standing tall and free
(Ah!) The one and only Willy Wanker!
(Aaaaah!) Here comes Willy Wanker!
And my marble sack he says
Lalalalalala, tickle me!
Rasberry scones and marmalade!
Squeezing my squid in the evening shine!
Visions of mermaids in the sky!
Shooting my load in me own left eye!
Gramps was a hero in the first World War
But he ain't got no dick no more
Comes home smokin from the corner pub
Makes poor old Gramsy kiss his nub
The world spins around like a big bass drum
Nanny pops a pinkie in the generals bum
The Irish dance and the Scotsmem howl
Time to clean up with the washroom towel
(Ah, yeah!) It's only Willy Wanker, yeah!
(Ah!) The lonely Willy Wanker!
And my wrinkled sack he says
Lalalalalala, tickle me!
I hopped on the lap of my dear old dad
Something jumped and poked me good
'That' he said 'just me morning wood'
A little tin soldier's marchin by
Sergeant major unzips his fly
Pulls his weapon from his camouflage pants
Slaps away til it starts to dance
A shootin star's above my bed
Changin colors of my mushroom head
A rainbow jizz flys across the room
Little white spermies meet their doom
(Ah!) The amazing Willy Wanker!
(Aaaah!) The amazing Willy Wanker!
And my scrotum sack he says
Lalalalalala, tickle me!
Little green men from outer space
Here to exterminate the human race
Drop their ray guns and retreat to their ships
When marshmallow sauce squirts from me tip
Like a knight of olden Camelot
The goo takes off like an arrow shot
Gwynevere drops to her knees and begs
For the spittin dragon between me legs
I'm using my thing for what it's for
Gentle knock upon me door
Mumsy drops her cup of tea
When she sees my wank standing tall and free
(Ah!) The one and only Willy Wanker!
(Aaaaah!) Here comes Willy Wanker!
And my marble sack he says
Lalalalalala, tickle me!
Rasberry scones and marmalade!
Squeezing my squid in the evening shine!
Visions of mermaids in the sky!
Shooting my load in me own left eye!
Gramps was a hero in the first World War
But he ain't got no dick no more
Comes home smokin from the corner pub
Makes poor old Gramsy kiss his nub
The world spins around like a big bass drum
Nanny pops a pinkie in the generals bum
The Irish dance and the Scotsmem howl
Time to clean up with the washroom towel
(Ah, yeah!) It's only Willy Wanker, yeah!
(Ah!) The lonely Willy Wanker!
And my wrinkled sack he says
Lalalalalala, tickle me!
Pibb Tries The Skateboarding - adam sandler
Alright, Mr. Pibb, those kneepads on tight enough?
Snug as a bug in a rug playin Dig Dug, my friend!
Uh huh...
I'm all set to give this skitchboard a whirl!
Okay, we should really put a helmet
on you first...
Well... helmet has the word 'hell' in it, and I don't know about
you, sonny, but I ain't no sinner...
No, you're not...
When my time comes, I'm on my way to heaven, so I won't
be puttin one of those demon contraptions on my head!
Okay, Pibb... Just remember that the half pipe ain't the easiest
thing to do...
Never mind all that, boy! It's only half the pipe! Let's be concerned
when they got the whole thing here!
Right...
Now can we get to the skitchboardin?
Okay, okay... How bout we just get you on the board?
Can do!
Make sure you keep your knees bent...
Can do do!
Good job...
Now how bout a little pushky to get me started?
Okay, but go easy
Hell, this is simple as a pimple!
Yeah, yeah, you're doin pretty good there buddy!
It's quite similar to my youth when I'd sprinkle my brother's
marble collection all over the basement floor, glue a plank to
my feet, and skim around all the live long day!
Is that right?
Oh, how my father detested that sound!
I'm sure...
Ho, ho
Ha, yeah... you better take it down a notch there, Pibb... you're
startin to pick up a little too much speed...
Nonsense, check this out! Whoo, hoo!
You got some air there, Pibb, lookin like a natural!
It's all about the balance, and I'm darn good with that! Just
ask my banker! Hahaha
I'll get right on that...
Say, what's the record for loop-de-loos on one of these things?
Uh.....rotations?
Well, ain't you fancy?
Yeah, Tony Hawk did a 900 once, that's two and a half rotations...
Oh, I can stick that!
Don't try that, Pibb....
Here we go!!! Ahhhh!!!!!
(smack!)
Shit! Oh, shit! Are you alright, Mr. Pibb?
Is there a doctor in the house?!
Snug as a bug in a rug playin Dig Dug, my friend!
Uh huh...
I'm all set to give this skitchboard a whirl!
Okay, we should really put a helmet
on you first...
Well... helmet has the word 'hell' in it, and I don't know about
you, sonny, but I ain't no sinner...
No, you're not...
When my time comes, I'm on my way to heaven, so I won't
be puttin one of those demon contraptions on my head!
Okay, Pibb... Just remember that the half pipe ain't the easiest
thing to do...
Never mind all that, boy! It's only half the pipe! Let's be concerned
when they got the whole thing here!
Right...
Now can we get to the skitchboardin?
Okay, okay... How bout we just get you on the board?
Can do!
Make sure you keep your knees bent...
Can do do!
Good job...
Now how bout a little pushky to get me started?
Okay, but go easy
Hell, this is simple as a pimple!
Yeah, yeah, you're doin pretty good there buddy!
It's quite similar to my youth when I'd sprinkle my brother's
marble collection all over the basement floor, glue a plank to
my feet, and skim around all the live long day!
Is that right?
Oh, how my father detested that sound!
I'm sure...
Ho, ho
Ha, yeah... you better take it down a notch there, Pibb... you're
startin to pick up a little too much speed...
Nonsense, check this out! Whoo, hoo!
You got some air there, Pibb, lookin like a natural!
It's all about the balance, and I'm darn good with that! Just
ask my banker! Hahaha
I'll get right on that...
Say, what's the record for loop-de-loos on one of these things?
Uh.....rotations?
Well, ain't you fancy?
Yeah, Tony Hawk did a 900 once, that's two and a half rotations...
Oh, I can stick that!
Don't try that, Pibb....
Here we go!!! Ahhhh!!!!!
(smack!)
Shit! Oh, shit! Are you alright, Mr. Pibb?
Is there a doctor in the house?!
Creepin' On The Mayor - adam sandler
Oh, shit, is that them crazy fucks from across town? They
didn't see me, did they? Fuck it, they headin this way! Damn!
Gotta be somewhere to hide around here! No bushes, no
trees, what the fuck!? I'll just hide my ass in this garbage can!
There we go, safe and sound... No motherfucker's gonna find
me here! Shit, I'll just wash my clothes later!
[Gangsters]
Where'd you run to, you candy ass motherfucker?
You can hide all you want, but when we find you we still gonna
fuck you up! See you tomorrow, bitch!
[gunshots]
No you won't, cause I'm gonna stay in my basement all day...
I sure fooled them stupid fucks, hehehe...
[Woman]
I'll be right there honey! Just let me throw these dirty diapers out!
[Man]
Okay, baby
[Woman]
Man, they stink! That baby couldn't stop shittin today!
[Man]
I know, baby
I don't care, baby shit don't mean nothin cause I'm safe and
sound! Shit, no one can fuck with me in this tin can! I'm a
motherfuckin untouchable! Yeah, yeah!
didn't see me, did they? Fuck it, they headin this way! Damn!
Gotta be somewhere to hide around here! No bushes, no
trees, what the fuck!? I'll just hide my ass in this garbage can!
There we go, safe and sound... No motherfucker's gonna find
me here! Shit, I'll just wash my clothes later!
[Gangsters]
Where'd you run to, you candy ass motherfucker?
You can hide all you want, but when we find you we still gonna
fuck you up! See you tomorrow, bitch!
[gunshots]
No you won't, cause I'm gonna stay in my basement all day...
I sure fooled them stupid fucks, hehehe...
[Woman]
I'll be right there honey! Just let me throw these dirty diapers out!
[Man]
Okay, baby
[Woman]
Man, they stink! That baby couldn't stop shittin today!
[Man]
I know, baby
I don't care, baby shit don't mean nothin cause I'm safe and
sound! Shit, no one can fuck with me in this tin can! I'm a
motherfuckin untouchable! Yeah, yeah!
The Mayor Of Pussytown - adam sandler
Yo it's 2004 and all you candy asses thinkin ya'll real pussies
ya'll ain't seen shit yet
eh yo man let em know
Oh yeah, guess who's back
it's the mother fuckin pussy with the little nutsack
don't care about cheddar or the paper chase
i'm a fuckin grown man with zits on my face
a straight up chicken shit
a pansy ass punk
If i'm if i'm guarding your ass it's an automatic slam dunk
while thugs are at the party bustin all ya'lls asses
I'm hidin in the corner wonderin where the fuck's my glasses
Can't afford no rims my
my fuckin dick's so small no bitch can suck it
I don't pop 9's i got weak rhymes
back in 9 duce i got pissed on 10 times
I roll solo i ain't got no clue
i said please don't hit me more than a cow says moo
afraid of heights i'm a-scared in the dark
i walk an extra 3 miles to avoid crazy fucks in the park
denied by the bloods, turned down by the crypts
my fuckin auntie kicked my ass and she got 2 plastic hips
when i step to the club feel free to stare me down
because I just got re-elected the mayor of pussytown
May-or-of-pus-sy-town
When bangers hit the street i stay home and watch tv
slumped out on the couch so no one can see
unless I hear somebody knockin on my door
then you'll see me crawlin cross the mother fuckin floor
i've been a fuckin coward every day of my life,
that's why I pretend I don't know everyone's banging my wife
i won't sit on the porch, i don't want no trouble
i'm more afraid of goin out than the fuckin boy in a bubble
when the shit goes down i make a break so fast
look like a mother fuckin rocket goin past
searchin for the sneakiest place to hide
straight into the ladies room, ain't got no pride
slippin slidin, runnin hidin
you know damn well it's a scooter i'm ridin
oh no here we go, out come the glocks
i take off so fast i pop out my socks
you gonna fuck with me, i'll cry then run
i called the cops when i got shot with a fuckin squirt gun
He clams up he shuts down
His pants he almost shits
He'll even look the other way if you grab his grandma's tits
well I had a little poodle but neighbor's stoled her
i'd shoot her with an ak but the kick hurts my shoulder
i can't pop no gun and i can't fist fight
hell i'm afraid to take out the fuckin garbage at night
I use the steps in the pool cause i'm terrified to dive
don't fuck with my floaties they's whats keepin me alive, bitch
never drank remy never delt crack
one time I smoked weed i had a panic attack
if you're looking for my dick in the mens locker room
just bring your binoculars with a fuckin super zoom
naw i'm just playin i don't fuckin change in there
the one time I did got my bush sprayed off with nair
but did I stick up for myself no fuckin doubt
i did what i do best, i broke the fuck out
i ain't lookin at you i ain't tryin to front
it's aight with me you called my jimmy a cunt
freakin sneakin crawlin creepin
when the gangs are bangin i'm in the basement sleepin
i'm straight from the streets seen trouble in every side
when the shit hits the fan i throw on a fuckin disguise
fake nose fake wig fake beard
it all worked pretty good
sometimes I just use a map and a funny accent
and pretend I got lost in the hood mother fucker
now all you coward mother fuckers out there
walkin round with your head hangin low
just cause you ate one dick
just know
my man the mayor, had to suck off his whole high school
case closed
May-or-of-pus-sy-town
ya'll ain't seen shit yet
eh yo man let em know
Oh yeah, guess who's back
it's the mother fuckin pussy with the little nutsack
don't care about cheddar or the paper chase
i'm a fuckin grown man with zits on my face
a straight up chicken shit
a pansy ass punk
If i'm if i'm guarding your ass it's an automatic slam dunk
while thugs are at the party bustin all ya'lls asses
I'm hidin in the corner wonderin where the fuck's my glasses
Can't afford no rims my
my fuckin dick's so small no bitch can suck it
I don't pop 9's i got weak rhymes
back in 9 duce i got pissed on 10 times
I roll solo i ain't got no clue
i said please don't hit me more than a cow says moo
afraid of heights i'm a-scared in the dark
i walk an extra 3 miles to avoid crazy fucks in the park
denied by the bloods, turned down by the crypts
my fuckin auntie kicked my ass and she got 2 plastic hips
when i step to the club feel free to stare me down
because I just got re-elected the mayor of pussytown
May-or-of-pus-sy-town
When bangers hit the street i stay home and watch tv
slumped out on the couch so no one can see
unless I hear somebody knockin on my door
then you'll see me crawlin cross the mother fuckin floor
i've been a fuckin coward every day of my life,
that's why I pretend I don't know everyone's banging my wife
i won't sit on the porch, i don't want no trouble
i'm more afraid of goin out than the fuckin boy in a bubble
when the shit goes down i make a break so fast
look like a mother fuckin rocket goin past
searchin for the sneakiest place to hide
straight into the ladies room, ain't got no pride
slippin slidin, runnin hidin
you know damn well it's a scooter i'm ridin
oh no here we go, out come the glocks
i take off so fast i pop out my socks
you gonna fuck with me, i'll cry then run
i called the cops when i got shot with a fuckin squirt gun
He clams up he shuts down
His pants he almost shits
He'll even look the other way if you grab his grandma's tits
well I had a little poodle but neighbor's stoled her
i'd shoot her with an ak but the kick hurts my shoulder
i can't pop no gun and i can't fist fight
hell i'm afraid to take out the fuckin garbage at night
I use the steps in the pool cause i'm terrified to dive
don't fuck with my floaties they's whats keepin me alive, bitch
never drank remy never delt crack
one time I smoked weed i had a panic attack
if you're looking for my dick in the mens locker room
just bring your binoculars with a fuckin super zoom
naw i'm just playin i don't fuckin change in there
the one time I did got my bush sprayed off with nair
but did I stick up for myself no fuckin doubt
i did what i do best, i broke the fuck out
i ain't lookin at you i ain't tryin to front
it's aight with me you called my jimmy a cunt
freakin sneakin crawlin creepin
when the gangs are bangin i'm in the basement sleepin
i'm straight from the streets seen trouble in every side
when the shit hits the fan i throw on a fuckin disguise
fake nose fake wig fake beard
it all worked pretty good
sometimes I just use a map and a funny accent
and pretend I got lost in the hood mother fucker
now all you coward mother fuckers out there
walkin round with your head hangin low
just cause you ate one dick
just know
my man the mayor, had to suck off his whole high school
case closed
May-or-of-pus-sy-town
Secret - adam sandler
There's something I know
That no one else does
You want me to tell you what it is?
But if I did that then it wouldn't be, a secret
I've gotta move my body tonight, I'm gonna go dancin'
Dreamin' bout the nights at the club, with the fun and romancin'
Mommy sees the look in my eyes, she can tell something's different
Daddy doesn't understand why, but he can tell something's different
I've got a secret, my own little secret
No one knows my secret, cause it's a secret. Secret.
Shhh don't tell, Shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell
And nobody knows that my bush is cut low as I dance and I sing and I put on a show
And i'm feeling so free, nothing hanging off me while the bass gets stronger, I'm a half an inch longer
And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it
and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
Fuckin and suckin, Fuckin and suckin!
Music if fillin my body from my head to my toes
The DJ gives me a smile, maybe he knows
I hear whisperin from my left to my right, all over the party
i'm the super-star of the night, I did something naughty
I gave myself a haircut, don't tell
I'd like to tell you where but, don't tell
I've got a secret, don't tell
It's my own secret
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
And I feel so special and so beautiful
As I reach down and give my new friend a quick pull
I'm scratchy and itchy and a little bit bitchy
and if I find scissors i'd trim my friend Ritchie
And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it
and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin!
I can wear my pants extra low tonight
My secret's gettin out of control, it's burstin out of me
Gotta drop my pants to the floor, so the whole club can see
The special way I trim my curlies, so fuzzy and soft
Cause when my shrub is short and tight my piggie won't get lost
I had a secret, don't tell
But now you know my secret, don't tell
I gave my bush some haircuts, don't tell
To emphasize my bare nuts
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it
and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin!
That no one else does
You want me to tell you what it is?
But if I did that then it wouldn't be, a secret
I've gotta move my body tonight, I'm gonna go dancin'
Dreamin' bout the nights at the club, with the fun and romancin'
Mommy sees the look in my eyes, she can tell something's different
Daddy doesn't understand why, but he can tell something's different
I've got a secret, my own little secret
No one knows my secret, cause it's a secret. Secret.
Shhh don't tell, Shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell
And nobody knows that my bush is cut low as I dance and I sing and I put on a show
And i'm feeling so free, nothing hanging off me while the bass gets stronger, I'm a half an inch longer
And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it
and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
Fuckin and suckin, Fuckin and suckin!
Music if fillin my body from my head to my toes
The DJ gives me a smile, maybe he knows
I hear whisperin from my left to my right, all over the party
i'm the super-star of the night, I did something naughty
I gave myself a haircut, don't tell
I'd like to tell you where but, don't tell
I've got a secret, don't tell
It's my own secret
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
And I feel so special and so beautiful
As I reach down and give my new friend a quick pull
I'm scratchy and itchy and a little bit bitchy
and if I find scissors i'd trim my friend Ritchie
And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it
and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin!
I can wear my pants extra low tonight
My secret's gettin out of control, it's burstin out of me
Gotta drop my pants to the floor, so the whole club can see
The special way I trim my curlies, so fuzzy and soft
Cause when my shrub is short and tight my piggie won't get lost
I had a secret, don't tell
But now you know my secret, don't tell
I gave my bush some haircuts, don't tell
To emphasize my bare nuts
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it
and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin!
The Boss And The Secretary - adam sandler
Louise?
Yes, sir?
I want ya in here right now!
I'll be right in.
Damn straight you'll be right in
What do you need, sir?
What do I need? You know what I need
Uh, no I don't, sir
I want you to come on over here, fish my cock out of these
trousers, and suck on it for a while!
Sir, I don't think I can do something like that!
Oh, you can and you will, bitch! Kneel down, now!
What if someone comes in?
You think I give a flying fuck about that shit? You get over
here and you start suckin it!
Well, alright...
Yeah! Yeah, that's it! Reach in there! Reach in there and get
yourself some candy
Okay...
Okay, a little lower, though...
Umm... alright...
Little... little lower...
Yeah?
No, to the left!
Left?
Damn, bitch, do I gotta do everything? Pull down my pants!
O.. Okay...
Now the tighty whities, pull that shit down too
Mmmm....
Watch out now, here it comes! Boing! Now what you think of that?
What do I think of what?
This! My ding-a-ling! Come on, play with the shit a little
Uh, okay...
Lower, baby! Gettin warmer...
Okay...
Let me pull the fatty rolls apart, spring that shit out for ya
Yeah, that would help
Whoop, there it is!
Haha... What the fuck is that?
Play with the shit
Okay...
That's right, jack it up and down
Well...
Up and down!
Well, it's hard to grab onto!
Keep tryin, you thick fingered bitch! Use your pinkies!
Oh, okay... I'll try that
Yeah, now we got it goin on...
Yeah?
Let me fuck those pinkies...
Okay...
Yeah...
Okay...
Keep pressure on the sides of it, baby, keep it sprung! Yeah!
Tell me how much you love it
Ooh, I love it
Tell me it makes you horny
Ooh, I'm gettin real horny
Tell me it's bigger than a Tic Tac
But it isn't!
I don't give a shit if it is or isn't! Say it is!
Alright! Your dick is bigger than a Tic Tac!
Damn right, Tic Tac, cashew, thumbtack, half a grape, it's
bigger than all that shit!
All that shit put together!
Now don't get crazy on me, bitch, let's keep this shit semi-real
Aw, I like a man who shaves down here!
I don't shave that shit, bitch! I'm still waitin on them weeds to
bust out and grow and what not!
What? You mean you haven't reached puberty?
I guess the only way to get you to shutup is to throw a dick in your mouth!
Okay...
Well, then suck on that shit!
Uh, okay... Mmmm... yeah, I'm suckin... suckin away here
That's a pimple, you dumb twat!
Ugg...
Move your mouth lower!
Mmmmm
Oh, oh yeah, now you're on it! You're on it!
I'm on it?
That's it!
Okay!
Oh, that feels nice!
Okay!
Oh, hell yeah!
Yeah, there you go!
Oh, oh, shit, fuck, ow!!
What's wrong?
It's caught between your teeth! Get it out! Get it out!
I'm sorry, sir!
Don't be flossin with that shit, you gap-toothed bitch! Be careful!
Look, maybe I should just lick it then, okay?
Do somethin!
Im gonna lick it! Cause I love to lick that thing, okay?
Yeah...
Yeah, baby...
Yeah!
Yeah, you like that, baby?
Oh, yeah!
Whoah, whoah, whoah!!! Somethin just spewed all over my face!
That was the pimple again!
Oh, uh uh...
Let me reiterate. Down. Lower. Bitch!
Okay, you fat fuck!
What's that?
I'm just playin with ya, haha...
Oh, you better be playin! Oh yeah, that's it, now you're on it!
I'm on it?
Oh, oh smoke that roast, bitch...
Okay...
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, slow down, not so fast!
Oh, okay
I got shit I wanna do to you, woman!
Oh boy...
Time to pull your dress off... You're gonna get fucked!
I don't know, sir, I mean... is that... is that really possible?
Don't give me no lip, bitch! You want me to smack you in the
face with this shit?
Hahahahaha
"Hahaha" you laughin now? Get the fuckin dress off!
Well, alright, but you have to promise me you're gonna use a condom
You know I can't wear that shit!
I do, I'm just playin! Hahahaha
Condom! You've been watchin too many of those XXX movies,
seein that fake dick shit those actors have hangin off their real dicks
Those aint fake dicks, those are real big dicks!
Bitch, I suppose you think Star Wars is real, too! That they
really got space ships and Chewbaki and all that shit! Stupid,
colorful bitch! Hahahaha!
Alright, my panties are off... You gonna try to fuck me now, or what?
Try? I'm gonna fuck your eyes crossed, you apathetic bitch!
Wham, wham, wham! How you like me now, bitch, how you like me now?
Is it seriously in?
In? You gotta stop fuckin all them rhinos and blue whales! Not
only is it in, but the shit's about to blow! Ooooh! Mmmm...
Hope you're on the pill, bitch, cause I blew that wad all up in ya
I.. I got it, it's right on the end of this hair, here
Shit, yeah, clean yourself up, bitch. There's a beach towel in
my bathroom
I'll just use this Q-tip
Whatever, just do it and get the fuck back to work!
Okay, BB Dick!
What's that?
I'm just playin! Bye!
Shit, what a life I've got... It's good to be Mr. Peter Bodd... Damn good...
Yes, sir?
I want ya in here right now!
I'll be right in.
Damn straight you'll be right in
What do you need, sir?
What do I need? You know what I need
Uh, no I don't, sir
I want you to come on over here, fish my cock out of these
trousers, and suck on it for a while!
Sir, I don't think I can do something like that!
Oh, you can and you will, bitch! Kneel down, now!
What if someone comes in?
You think I give a flying fuck about that shit? You get over
here and you start suckin it!
Well, alright...
Yeah! Yeah, that's it! Reach in there! Reach in there and get
yourself some candy
Okay...
Okay, a little lower, though...
Umm... alright...
Little... little lower...
Yeah?
No, to the left!
Left?
Damn, bitch, do I gotta do everything? Pull down my pants!
O.. Okay...
Now the tighty whities, pull that shit down too
Mmmm....
Watch out now, here it comes! Boing! Now what you think of that?
What do I think of what?
This! My ding-a-ling! Come on, play with the shit a little
Uh, okay...
Lower, baby! Gettin warmer...
Okay...
Let me pull the fatty rolls apart, spring that shit out for ya
Yeah, that would help
Whoop, there it is!
Haha... What the fuck is that?
Play with the shit
Okay...
That's right, jack it up and down
Well...
Up and down!
Well, it's hard to grab onto!
Keep tryin, you thick fingered bitch! Use your pinkies!
Oh, okay... I'll try that
Yeah, now we got it goin on...
Yeah?
Let me fuck those pinkies...
Okay...
Yeah...
Okay...
Keep pressure on the sides of it, baby, keep it sprung! Yeah!
Tell me how much you love it
Ooh, I love it
Tell me it makes you horny
Ooh, I'm gettin real horny
Tell me it's bigger than a Tic Tac
But it isn't!
I don't give a shit if it is or isn't! Say it is!
Alright! Your dick is bigger than a Tic Tac!
Damn right, Tic Tac, cashew, thumbtack, half a grape, it's
bigger than all that shit!
All that shit put together!
Now don't get crazy on me, bitch, let's keep this shit semi-real
Aw, I like a man who shaves down here!
I don't shave that shit, bitch! I'm still waitin on them weeds to
bust out and grow and what not!
What? You mean you haven't reached puberty?
I guess the only way to get you to shutup is to throw a dick in your mouth!
Okay...
Well, then suck on that shit!
Uh, okay... Mmmm... yeah, I'm suckin... suckin away here
That's a pimple, you dumb twat!
Ugg...
Move your mouth lower!
Mmmmm
Oh, oh yeah, now you're on it! You're on it!
I'm on it?
That's it!
Okay!
Oh, that feels nice!
Okay!
Oh, hell yeah!
Yeah, there you go!
Oh, oh, shit, fuck, ow!!
What's wrong?
It's caught between your teeth! Get it out! Get it out!
I'm sorry, sir!
Don't be flossin with that shit, you gap-toothed bitch! Be careful!
Look, maybe I should just lick it then, okay?
Do somethin!
Im gonna lick it! Cause I love to lick that thing, okay?
Yeah...
Yeah, baby...
Yeah!
Yeah, you like that, baby?
Oh, yeah!
Whoah, whoah, whoah!!! Somethin just spewed all over my face!
That was the pimple again!
Oh, uh uh...
Let me reiterate. Down. Lower. Bitch!
Okay, you fat fuck!
What's that?
I'm just playin with ya, haha...
Oh, you better be playin! Oh yeah, that's it, now you're on it!
I'm on it?
Oh, oh smoke that roast, bitch...
Okay...
Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, slow down, not so fast!
Oh, okay
I got shit I wanna do to you, woman!
Oh boy...
Time to pull your dress off... You're gonna get fucked!
I don't know, sir, I mean... is that... is that really possible?
Don't give me no lip, bitch! You want me to smack you in the
face with this shit?
Hahahahaha
"Hahaha" you laughin now? Get the fuckin dress off!
Well, alright, but you have to promise me you're gonna use a condom
You know I can't wear that shit!
I do, I'm just playin! Hahahaha
Condom! You've been watchin too many of those XXX movies,
seein that fake dick shit those actors have hangin off their real dicks
Those aint fake dicks, those are real big dicks!
Bitch, I suppose you think Star Wars is real, too! That they
really got space ships and Chewbaki and all that shit! Stupid,
colorful bitch! Hahahaha!
Alright, my panties are off... You gonna try to fuck me now, or what?
Try? I'm gonna fuck your eyes crossed, you apathetic bitch!
Wham, wham, wham! How you like me now, bitch, how you like me now?
Is it seriously in?
In? You gotta stop fuckin all them rhinos and blue whales! Not
only is it in, but the shit's about to blow! Ooooh! Mmmm...
Hope you're on the pill, bitch, cause I blew that wad all up in ya
I.. I got it, it's right on the end of this hair, here
Shit, yeah, clean yourself up, bitch. There's a beach towel in
my bathroom
I'll just use this Q-tip
Whatever, just do it and get the fuck back to work!
Okay, BB Dick!
What's that?
I'm just playin! Bye!
Shit, what a life I've got... It's good to be Mr. Peter Bodd... Damn good...
Best Friend - adam sandler
When I'm at the bus stop and you drive by in your mom's car
You tell me the bus already left
Cause you're my best friend!
When I'm at the locker and my shirt's buttoned wrong
You tell me to fix it
Cause you're my best friend
Best friends tell you you got boogers on your nose
Best friends don't laugh when you wear your grandpa's clothes
You're my best friend!
When those guys ripped up my ticket for the Mariah Carey show
You told me it wasn't that great
Cause you're my best friend (You're my best friend!)
When those guys gave me the wrong directions to Mark Hagen's party
You told me it wasn't that great
Cause you're my best friend! (You're my best friend!)
Best friends tell you when you got Cheetos in your teeth
Best friends dont ring your doorbell then punch you in the chest
You're my best friend!
(Best friends!) Dont call you Pit Stains or Marphy
(Best friends!) Way back when you waved hello!
(Best friends!) Don't hold their nose and point at you
(Best friends!) Help you find your hat
Oh, you're not just a friend
You're my best friend
(Take it!)
When those mean girls stole my pants and tied me to the front gate of the school
You told the teacher I was out there
Why? Cause you're my best friend! (You're my best friend!)
When Mr. Koocher's dog ran at me and bit me in the stomach
You were playing football so you couldn't help but I know you would've
Cause you're my best friend (You're my best friend!)
(Best friends!) Don't kneel behind you while the other guys push you
(Best friends!) Don't step on your sandwiches!
(Best friends!) Help you out of the caf. garbage can
(Best friends!) Don't tell you that Tracy Garner wants to dance with you
Oh, you're not just a friend... you're my best friend!
Oh, you're not just a friend! You're my best... friend!
Call me back!
You tell me the bus already left
Cause you're my best friend!
When I'm at the locker and my shirt's buttoned wrong
You tell me to fix it
Cause you're my best friend
Best friends tell you you got boogers on your nose
Best friends don't laugh when you wear your grandpa's clothes
You're my best friend!
When those guys ripped up my ticket for the Mariah Carey show
You told me it wasn't that great
Cause you're my best friend (You're my best friend!)
When those guys gave me the wrong directions to Mark Hagen's party
You told me it wasn't that great
Cause you're my best friend! (You're my best friend!)
Best friends tell you when you got Cheetos in your teeth
Best friends dont ring your doorbell then punch you in the chest
You're my best friend!
(Best friends!) Dont call you Pit Stains or Marphy
(Best friends!) Way back when you waved hello!
(Best friends!) Don't hold their nose and point at you
(Best friends!) Help you find your hat
Oh, you're not just a friend
You're my best friend
(Take it!)
When those mean girls stole my pants and tied me to the front gate of the school
You told the teacher I was out there
Why? Cause you're my best friend! (You're my best friend!)
When Mr. Koocher's dog ran at me and bit me in the stomach
You were playing football so you couldn't help but I know you would've
Cause you're my best friend (You're my best friend!)
(Best friends!) Don't kneel behind you while the other guys push you
(Best friends!) Don't step on your sandwiches!
(Best friends!) Help you out of the caf. garbage can
(Best friends!) Don't tell you that Tracy Garner wants to dance with you
Oh, you're not just a friend... you're my best friend!
Oh, you're not just a friend! You're my best... friend!
Call me back!
The Mule Session - adam sandler
My girlfriend left me for a seven foot Indian
My grandma hung herself on a tree in the Caribbean
My sister's on the dope and my brother always picks his nose
And Daddy's only happy when he's wearing Mama's pantyhose, yeah
I just lost my job to a God damn robot (Good times!)
Then my dog got in the freeze box, he ate everything I got
But I've got my mule
He's a very, very nice mule
He walks with me home from school
Cause he's a very, very nice mule
When he was a baby my mother fed him gruel
But now he prefers to dine on his own stool
He always philosophizes with the rabbis after shul
Cause he's a very, very pious mule
When he sees a picture of a carrot he has a tendency to druel
On Halloween he tries to scare me by dressing up as a ghoul
He once challenged someone who stole my hat to a duel
Cause he's a very, very Old school mule
A needle-nosed plier is his favorite tool
He lifeguards on a volunteer basis and the Rec. Center pool
When I break down on the side of the road he shows up with unleaded fuel
He's a devoted fan of Ms. Paula Abdul
And also approves of the recent makeover of former folkie Jewel
[coughing]
When I told him Halle Berry's husband cheated he just shook his head and said to himself 'what a fool'
Cause he's a very, very monogamous mule
[snoring] Porkchop! Wake up, man, the session's not over!
After several well-publicized arrests for public urination he now drinks exclusively O'Doul
And every year he puts on a presentation at the Boys Club to show kids smoking isn't cool
His favorite Elvis song is 'Don't be Cruel', no it's 'Hound Dog'
I was just kidding you
My grandma hung herself on a tree in the Caribbean
My sister's on the dope and my brother always picks his nose
And Daddy's only happy when he's wearing Mama's pantyhose, yeah
I just lost my job to a God damn robot (Good times!)
Then my dog got in the freeze box, he ate everything I got
But I've got my mule
He's a very, very nice mule
He walks with me home from school
Cause he's a very, very nice mule
When he was a baby my mother fed him gruel
But now he prefers to dine on his own stool
He always philosophizes with the rabbis after shul
Cause he's a very, very pious mule
When he sees a picture of a carrot he has a tendency to druel
On Halloween he tries to scare me by dressing up as a ghoul
He once challenged someone who stole my hat to a duel
Cause he's a very, very Old school mule
A needle-nosed plier is his favorite tool
He lifeguards on a volunteer basis and the Rec. Center pool
When I break down on the side of the road he shows up with unleaded fuel
He's a devoted fan of Ms. Paula Abdul
And also approves of the recent makeover of former folkie Jewel
[coughing]
When I told him Halle Berry's husband cheated he just shook his head and said to himself 'what a fool'
Cause he's a very, very monogamous mule
[snoring] Porkchop! Wake up, man, the session's not over!
After several well-publicized arrests for public urination he now drinks exclusively O'Doul
And every year he puts on a presentation at the Boys Club to show kids smoking isn't cool
His favorite Elvis song is 'Don't be Cruel', no it's 'Hound Dog'
I was just kidding you
"Stan And Judy's Kid" (1999)
- Hot Water Burn Baby - adam sandler
- Cool Guy 1 - adam sandler
- 7 Foot Man - adam sandler
- The Peeper - adam sandler
- Cool Guy 2 - adam sandler
- Dee Wee (My Friend The Massive Idiot) - adam sandler
- Cool Guy 3 - adam sandler
- She Comes Home To Me - adam sandler
- The Champion - adam sandler
- Cool Guy 4 - adam sandler
- The Chanukah Song (II) - adam sandler
- Inner Voice - adam sandler
- Cool Guy 5 - adam sandler
- Welcome My Son - adam sandler
- The Psychotic Legend Of Uncle Donnie - adam sandler
Hot Water Burn Baby - adam sandler
[Father:] Well Ryan, tomorrow's a big day. Your mom's coming home from the hospital with your new baby sister.
[Ryan:] baby sister
[Father:] That's right, baby sister.
[Ryan:] baby sister
[Father:] So, uh, I think now is the time for us to go over some safety rules for when you're around your new baby sister.
[Ryan:] safety rules
[Father:] Okay, rule number one: Always wash your hands before touching the baby.
[Ryan:] wash hands
[Father:] Do you know why?
[Ryan:] no
[Father:] Well, because sometimes you have germs on your hands and germs are bad for the baby cause they can make the baby sick.
[Ryan:] germs make baby sick
[Father:] That's right, that's right, Ryan. Germs make baby sick.
[Ryan:] germs make the baby sick
[Father:] Okay, rule number two.
[Ryan:] more rules
[Father:] Don't feed the baby anything.
[Ryan:] don't feed the baby.
[Father:] That's right.
[Ryan:] why?
[Father:] Well, because the baby needs to eat special baby food.
[Ryan:] why?
[Father:] Oh...well, other food is bad for the baby.
[Ryan:] other food bad for the baby
[Father:] That's right, good. Now, rule number three.
[Ryan:] more rules
[Father:] Never take hot water near the baby because hot water will burn the baby.
[Ryan:] water bad for the baby
[Father:] Well, not all water, just hot water,
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Cause hot water will burn the baby.
[Ryan:] i don't understand, daddy
[Father:] Okay, see this glass of water that I'm drinking?
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Well, this water is okay for the baby.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Here, touch the glass.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] See, it's nice and cool.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Now if this was hot water that would be bad because hot water can burn the baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby?
[Father:] Yes, hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] Yes, yes, hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn your baby
[Father:] Yes.
[Ryan:] baby can't go in swimming pool?
[Father:] Oh no, the swimming pool is okay. Swimming pool water is cool.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] That's alright.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] But the jacuzzi is bad because that water is hot and hot water will burn the baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn the baby
[Father:] Yes.
[Ryan:] hot water burn the baby
[Father:] Yes. Now say you made a cup of tea, would you take that near the baby?
[Ryan:] yea, baby like tea
[Father:] No Ryan, uh, I don't think you get it yet.
[Ryan:] baby no like tea?
[Father:] Well, I'm sure the baby will like tea, but what do you make tea with?
[Ryan:] ...hot water
[Father:] Right, and what did we say about hot water?
[Ryan:] ...oh, hot water burn baby
[Father:] Yes, hot water burn baby!
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby!
[Father:] That's right so no tea near the baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] Yes.
[Ryan:] baby no take bath?
[Father:] No, bath water is warm. Warm is okay.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Hot is bad.
[Ryan:] yes...hot water burn baby
[Father:] Yes, hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] I think you're gettin' it!
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] That's right, Ryan.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] NOW DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT!
[Narrator:] 30 year later!
[Wife:] Hey, Ryan, what are you doing out there?
[Ryan:] Just watchin' the discovery channel.
[Wife:] Well, dinner's gonna be ready in about five minutes.
[Ryan:] Aw, great baby, aight, I'll be in in a few momentos. Lemme just wind down...(garbled)
[Wife:] Okay, honey!
[Ryan:] Yeah.
[TV:] The villagers of Pasquan
[Ryan:] Pasquan
[TV:] have a very bizarre and painful way of welcoming their infants into the community.
[Ryan:] [garbled]
[TV:] Unfortunately, the death rate from this ritual is a mortifying 90 percent.
[Ryan:] My God.
[TV:] That explains the Pasquan's low population.
[Ryan:] Yeah, it does.
[TV:] On the first full moon of Autumn, all the Pasquanian mothers wrap their new-borns in traditional hand painted deerskin,...
[Ryan:] Deerskin.
[TV:] ...which have been passed along from generation to generation.
[Ryan:] That's nice.
[TV:] The entire Pasquan population then forms a circle on the sacred battlefield of Chin-Chara.
[Ryan:] ya-yara
[TV:] Each Pasquanian baby is then passed, hand to hand, around the circle...
[Ryan:] Wow.
[TV:] ...four times.
[Ryan:] Four times.
[TV:] Once for the sun,...
[Ryan:] Hmm.
[TV:] ...once for the moon,...
[Ryan:] The moon.
[TV:] ...once for the earth,...
[Ryan:] The earth.
[TV:] ...and once for the wind.
[Ryan:] The wind, too.
[TV:] When the babies arrive back in their mother's hands, they are marched, in procession, to the Pasquanian natural hot springs...
[Ryan:] What?
[TV:] ...where the ceremonial purification will be completed.
[Ryan:] What are you saying here?
[TV:] As we watch, the mothers take their progeny out of the deerskin shells...
[Ryan:] No.
[TV:] ...and dunk them into the steaming water.
[Ryan:] No! No! Hot water burn baby! Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:] Ryan! What's going on out there? Are you okay?
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] Hot water burn most definitely burn baby.
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] You are a bitch, Ryan!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:] Ryan, are you alright?
[Father:] Hot water burn the baby!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:] Ryan!
[Father:] What are you gonna do, whore?
[Wife:] Ryan!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] Bitch!
[Wife:] Ryan! What's going on out there?
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] Whore!
[Wife:] Who are you talking to?
[Father:] Bitch!
[Ryan:] I'm talking to the man!
[Father:] Whore!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:] Ryan!
[Father:] Bitch! Ryan is a whore!
[Ryan:] baby sister
[Father:] That's right, baby sister.
[Ryan:] baby sister
[Father:] So, uh, I think now is the time for us to go over some safety rules for when you're around your new baby sister.
[Ryan:] safety rules
[Father:] Okay, rule number one: Always wash your hands before touching the baby.
[Ryan:] wash hands
[Father:] Do you know why?
[Ryan:] no
[Father:] Well, because sometimes you have germs on your hands and germs are bad for the baby cause they can make the baby sick.
[Ryan:] germs make baby sick
[Father:] That's right, that's right, Ryan. Germs make baby sick.
[Ryan:] germs make the baby sick
[Father:] Okay, rule number two.
[Ryan:] more rules
[Father:] Don't feed the baby anything.
[Ryan:] don't feed the baby.
[Father:] That's right.
[Ryan:] why?
[Father:] Well, because the baby needs to eat special baby food.
[Ryan:] why?
[Father:] Oh...well, other food is bad for the baby.
[Ryan:] other food bad for the baby
[Father:] That's right, good. Now, rule number three.
[Ryan:] more rules
[Father:] Never take hot water near the baby because hot water will burn the baby.
[Ryan:] water bad for the baby
[Father:] Well, not all water, just hot water,
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Cause hot water will burn the baby.
[Ryan:] i don't understand, daddy
[Father:] Okay, see this glass of water that I'm drinking?
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Well, this water is okay for the baby.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Here, touch the glass.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] See, it's nice and cool.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Now if this was hot water that would be bad because hot water can burn the baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby?
[Father:] Yes, hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] Yes, yes, hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn your baby
[Father:] Yes.
[Ryan:] baby can't go in swimming pool?
[Father:] Oh no, the swimming pool is okay. Swimming pool water is cool.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] That's alright.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] But the jacuzzi is bad because that water is hot and hot water will burn the baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn the baby
[Father:] Yes.
[Ryan:] hot water burn the baby
[Father:] Yes. Now say you made a cup of tea, would you take that near the baby?
[Ryan:] yea, baby like tea
[Father:] No Ryan, uh, I don't think you get it yet.
[Ryan:] baby no like tea?
[Father:] Well, I'm sure the baby will like tea, but what do you make tea with?
[Ryan:] ...hot water
[Father:] Right, and what did we say about hot water?
[Ryan:] ...oh, hot water burn baby
[Father:] Yes, hot water burn baby!
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby!
[Father:] That's right so no tea near the baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] Yes.
[Ryan:] baby no take bath?
[Father:] No, bath water is warm. Warm is okay.
[Ryan:] yes
[Father:] Hot is bad.
[Ryan:] yes...hot water burn baby
[Father:] Yes, hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] I think you're gettin' it!
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] That's right, Ryan.
[Ryan:] hot water burn baby
[Father:] NOW DON'T YOU EVER FORGET THAT!
[Narrator:] 30 year later!
[Wife:] Hey, Ryan, what are you doing out there?
[Ryan:] Just watchin' the discovery channel.
[Wife:] Well, dinner's gonna be ready in about five minutes.
[Ryan:] Aw, great baby, aight, I'll be in in a few momentos. Lemme just wind down...(garbled)
[Wife:] Okay, honey!
[Ryan:] Yeah.
[TV:] The villagers of Pasquan
[Ryan:] Pasquan
[TV:] have a very bizarre and painful way of welcoming their infants into the community.
[Ryan:] [garbled]
[TV:] Unfortunately, the death rate from this ritual is a mortifying 90 percent.
[Ryan:] My God.
[TV:] That explains the Pasquan's low population.
[Ryan:] Yeah, it does.
[TV:] On the first full moon of Autumn, all the Pasquanian mothers wrap their new-borns in traditional hand painted deerskin,...
[Ryan:] Deerskin.
[TV:] ...which have been passed along from generation to generation.
[Ryan:] That's nice.
[TV:] The entire Pasquan population then forms a circle on the sacred battlefield of Chin-Chara.
[Ryan:] ya-yara
[TV:] Each Pasquanian baby is then passed, hand to hand, around the circle...
[Ryan:] Wow.
[TV:] ...four times.
[Ryan:] Four times.
[TV:] Once for the sun,...
[Ryan:] Hmm.
[TV:] ...once for the moon,...
[Ryan:] The moon.
[TV:] ...once for the earth,...
[Ryan:] The earth.
[TV:] ...and once for the wind.
[Ryan:] The wind, too.
[TV:] When the babies arrive back in their mother's hands, they are marched, in procession, to the Pasquanian natural hot springs...
[Ryan:] What?
[TV:] ...where the ceremonial purification will be completed.
[Ryan:] What are you saying here?
[TV:] As we watch, the mothers take their progeny out of the deerskin shells...
[Ryan:] No.
[TV:] ...and dunk them into the steaming water.
[Ryan:] No! No! Hot water burn baby! Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby.
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:] Ryan! What's going on out there? Are you okay?
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] Hot water burn most definitely burn baby.
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] That's right, Ryan. Hot water burn baby!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] You are a bitch, Ryan!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:] Ryan, are you alright?
[Father:] Hot water burn the baby!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:] Ryan!
[Father:] What are you gonna do, whore?
[Wife:] Ryan!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] Bitch!
[Wife:] Ryan! What's going on out there?
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Father:] Whore!
[Wife:] Who are you talking to?
[Father:] Bitch!
[Ryan:] I'm talking to the man!
[Father:] Whore!
[Ryan:] Hot water burn baby!
[Wife:] Ryan!
[Father:] Bitch! Ryan is a whore!
Cool Guy 1 - adam sandler
[SEAN:] Ooh baby, you looking good.
[GIRL:] Thanks sean.
[SEAN:] you got it going on strong, baby. Skin so soft and hair so right.
[GIRL:] I think you're nice too, sean.
[SEAN:] Let me take off this shirt of yours and see that beauty mama has given you. [taking off her clothes]- Ohh, so fine so right.
[GIRL:] Oh sean, you're so silly.
[SEAN:] What's going on with these little silk panties, baby? Slowly, slide them to the ground. [taking down her panties] (Gasps) yeah, baby yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
[GIRL:] It's my turn sean. Let me take down your pants. [begins to unzip his pants]
[SEAN:] Is that what you want to do baby? Why don't you put those soft sweet hands on my Jimmi-jamma.
[GIRL:] ...On your what?
[SEAN:] On my-- on my manhood,... baby.
[GIRL:] No wait a minute did you say "Jimmer Jammer" before?
[SEAN:] Well I-- I guess I did, I--
[GIRL:] [beginning to gather all her clothes] I got to go.
[SEAN:] No, no, you sure about this, baby?!
[GIRL:] Yeah, later King Jimmer Jammer. [leaves]
[SEAN:] Yeah, Cause I'll... Cause I'll call you. Damn!!! Walking out all naked and shit.
[THE END]
[GIRL:] Thanks sean.
[SEAN:] you got it going on strong, baby. Skin so soft and hair so right.
[GIRL:] I think you're nice too, sean.
[SEAN:] Let me take off this shirt of yours and see that beauty mama has given you. [taking off her clothes]- Ohh, so fine so right.
[GIRL:] Oh sean, you're so silly.
[SEAN:] What's going on with these little silk panties, baby? Slowly, slide them to the ground. [taking down her panties] (Gasps) yeah, baby yeah. That's what I'm talking about.
[GIRL:] It's my turn sean. Let me take down your pants. [begins to unzip his pants]
[SEAN:] Is that what you want to do baby? Why don't you put those soft sweet hands on my Jimmi-jamma.
[GIRL:] ...On your what?
[SEAN:] On my-- on my manhood,... baby.
[GIRL:] No wait a minute did you say "Jimmer Jammer" before?
[SEAN:] Well I-- I guess I did, I--
[GIRL:] [beginning to gather all her clothes] I got to go.
[SEAN:] No, no, you sure about this, baby?!
[GIRL:] Yeah, later King Jimmer Jammer. [leaves]
[SEAN:] Yeah, Cause I'll... Cause I'll call you. Damn!!! Walking out all naked and shit.
[THE END]
7 Foot Man - adam sandler
We just wrote this song on the bus the other day so just sit back and relax
I'm the 7 foot man,
I've commited no crime,
Bumping my head into doorways,
It happens all the time,
I'm 7 feet tall,
And I repeat,
They dont make a ski boot that can fit my feet,
I'm 7 feet tall,
And I dont play basketball,
I'm 7 feet tall,
But I'm still just a man,
So of course it hurts me a lot,
When I walk into the ceiling fan,
Small people say I wish I was him,
But its been nine years since I've had a trim,
The barber says,
I cant reach the top of his head,
7 foot man,
(ha ha)I cannot hide,
7 foot man,
I know cause I've tried,
7 foot man,
My last girlfriend died,
Because my penis,
Is 7 foot wide!!!!!!!!!
So the next time you see me,
Walking around,
And my head is right about to hit a tree branch,
Tell me to duck down,
And I'll pay you back ,
Soon you will see,
By getting you frisbee down from that tree,
I do what i can,
I'm the 7 foot man,
7 foot man,
7 foot man
I'm the 7 foot man,
I've commited no crime,
Bumping my head into doorways,
It happens all the time,
I'm 7 feet tall,
And I repeat,
They dont make a ski boot that can fit my feet,
I'm 7 feet tall,
And I dont play basketball,
I'm 7 feet tall,
But I'm still just a man,
So of course it hurts me a lot,
When I walk into the ceiling fan,
Small people say I wish I was him,
But its been nine years since I've had a trim,
The barber says,
I cant reach the top of his head,
7 foot man,
(ha ha)I cannot hide,
7 foot man,
I know cause I've tried,
7 foot man,
My last girlfriend died,
Because my penis,
Is 7 foot wide!!!!!!!!!
So the next time you see me,
Walking around,
And my head is right about to hit a tree branch,
Tell me to duck down,
And I'll pay you back ,
Soon you will see,
By getting you frisbee down from that tree,
I do what i can,
I'm the 7 foot man,
7 foot man,
7 foot man
The Peeper - adam sandler
[singers:] The Peeper, The Peeper, whats goin' through his head? woah!
[Leaves rusteling]
[Peeper:] Climin' the tree. slowly. quietly. lookin' for next branch. found it. got it. windo high. great view. settelin' in. keepin' it quiet. hidden. heart pounding through chest. waiting. lookin' around. nervous. lights on, jackpot, here she is. oh my. no pants. classey. not to tight. walkin around the room. no idea Im here. lovin' it. Rubbin her feet. tough day. relaxin'. hops off bed, goin twards bathroom. shuttin' the door. alone again... waiting. lookin' around. board. pullin' out nippel clips. Painful! ow... but these are a bit.
[door opening]
Bathroom door opens. lovin' it. oooh my.... hairs in a pony tale. she picks up the tv clicker. click
[tv makes noises]
sittin' back. watchin. watchin' her watch. lovin it.
[giggling]
she laughs. ha ha ha. I laugh. oh yea. sharin a moment.
[dog panting]
theres a dog. not good.
[sniffing]
he can smell me. should've shoured.
[barking]
barkin. wont leave. oh no, here she comes. stayin motionless. fuckin' dogs loosin it.
[window open]
[girl:] Bud! you be quiet and go home like a good boy.
[dog stops barking and walks off]
[Peeper:] dosnt see me. she's gorgous. Im grotesque.
[knock]
[Peeper:] knock at front door! she goes to answer!
[door opens]
[Peeper:] Its him.... chizzeled features.. they kiss. Im fuming. also hard. hatin' myself. sniffin fingers.
[woman:] ohhh...
[Peeper:] she moans! ohhhh! I moan. He looks up. busted. should not have moaned...
[footsteps]
[Peeper:] he walks toword windo. muscular
[man:] this guy. gotta be fuckin kiddin me
[Peeper:] full of rage. looking right at me.
[man:] theres a guy in the tree out here.
[Peeper:] full of shame.
[woman:] are you serious?
[Peeper:] completely worthless. hard as a rock.
[man:] I see you shit head! well the cops are comin you sick fuck! and if you even think of runnin away Ill bash your fuckin' skull with a lead pipe!
[Peeper:] stayin still. motionless. pretending to be a squirrel.
[squirrel noises]
[dialing]
[Peeper:] not working. shes calling. dreams shattered
[talking]
[Peeper:] ultimate humiliation.
[squirt]
[Peeper:] ejaculating.
[man:] AWWW!!! YOU GROSS PIG! YOUR A PIECE OF SHIT YA KNOW THAT!
[Peeper:] yes I do... cant help myself.
[car pulling up and door opening]
[cop:] L.A.P.D. get down from the tree buddy.
[squirrel noises]
[Peeper:] trying the squirrel thing again. looking for a nut.
[cop:] I said get down from there!
[Peeper:] down I go...
[Slam, slam, slam, slam]
[Peeper:] Oh!
[woman:] I hope they put you im for a long time! you need some serious help you ass hole!
[Peeper walking away:] I know I do... Its an addiction
[cop:] lets go big guy, c'mon
[Peeper:] wifes going to kill me.
[cop:] dont be doing this shit mr... nippel clips.
[Peeper slamming into cp car seat]
[Peeper:] handcuffed... cant sniff fingers...
[door slams and engine warms up]
[Peeper:] please piss on me...
[cop:] yea, this is officer Tyler, everythings under controle.
[Peeper:] PLEASE piss on me? If somebody could piss on me, that would be great.
[singers:] The peeper, belly eaper, hes goin off to jail! WOAH!
[Leaves rusteling]
[Peeper:] Climin' the tree. slowly. quietly. lookin' for next branch. found it. got it. windo high. great view. settelin' in. keepin' it quiet. hidden. heart pounding through chest. waiting. lookin' around. nervous. lights on, jackpot, here she is. oh my. no pants. classey. not to tight. walkin around the room. no idea Im here. lovin' it. Rubbin her feet. tough day. relaxin'. hops off bed, goin twards bathroom. shuttin' the door. alone again... waiting. lookin' around. board. pullin' out nippel clips. Painful! ow... but these are a bit.
[door opening]
Bathroom door opens. lovin' it. oooh my.... hairs in a pony tale. she picks up the tv clicker. click
[tv makes noises]
sittin' back. watchin. watchin' her watch. lovin it.
[giggling]
she laughs. ha ha ha. I laugh. oh yea. sharin a moment.
[dog panting]
theres a dog. not good.
[sniffing]
he can smell me. should've shoured.
[barking]
barkin. wont leave. oh no, here she comes. stayin motionless. fuckin' dogs loosin it.
[window open]
[girl:] Bud! you be quiet and go home like a good boy.
[dog stops barking and walks off]
[Peeper:] dosnt see me. she's gorgous. Im grotesque.
[knock]
[Peeper:] knock at front door! she goes to answer!
[door opens]
[Peeper:] Its him.... chizzeled features.. they kiss. Im fuming. also hard. hatin' myself. sniffin fingers.
[woman:] ohhh...
[Peeper:] she moans! ohhhh! I moan. He looks up. busted. should not have moaned...
[footsteps]
[Peeper:] he walks toword windo. muscular
[man:] this guy. gotta be fuckin kiddin me
[Peeper:] full of rage. looking right at me.
[man:] theres a guy in the tree out here.
[Peeper:] full of shame.
[woman:] are you serious?
[Peeper:] completely worthless. hard as a rock.
[man:] I see you shit head! well the cops are comin you sick fuck! and if you even think of runnin away Ill bash your fuckin' skull with a lead pipe!
[Peeper:] stayin still. motionless. pretending to be a squirrel.
[squirrel noises]
[dialing]
[Peeper:] not working. shes calling. dreams shattered
[talking]
[Peeper:] ultimate humiliation.
[squirt]
[Peeper:] ejaculating.
[man:] AWWW!!! YOU GROSS PIG! YOUR A PIECE OF SHIT YA KNOW THAT!
[Peeper:] yes I do... cant help myself.
[car pulling up and door opening]
[cop:] L.A.P.D. get down from the tree buddy.
[squirrel noises]
[Peeper:] trying the squirrel thing again. looking for a nut.
[cop:] I said get down from there!
[Peeper:] down I go...
[Slam, slam, slam, slam]
[Peeper:] Oh!
[woman:] I hope they put you im for a long time! you need some serious help you ass hole!
[Peeper walking away:] I know I do... Its an addiction
[cop:] lets go big guy, c'mon
[Peeper:] wifes going to kill me.
[cop:] dont be doing this shit mr... nippel clips.
[Peeper slamming into cp car seat]
[Peeper:] handcuffed... cant sniff fingers...
[door slams and engine warms up]
[Peeper:] please piss on me...
[cop:] yea, this is officer Tyler, everythings under controle.
[Peeper:] PLEASE piss on me? If somebody could piss on me, that would be great.
[singers:] The peeper, belly eaper, hes goin off to jail! WOAH!
Cool Guy 2 - adam sandler
[The Sounds of waves crashing]
[SEAN:] This is quite the chill night. kicking back on the beach with a fine girl such as yourself.
[GIRL #2:] Yeah, the waves are so calming.
[SEAN:] So, is your body looking like michaelangelo made you or some shit.
[GIRL #2:] Thanks Sean, that's so sweet.
[Sean presses 'play' button on tape player]
[SEAN:] Let's see what's going on under this velvet top of yours.
[GIRL #2:] Uh-oh.
[SEAN:] Oh calming, your coming off strong with some beautiful waves of your own there, baby.
[GIRL #2:] Oh Sean, you're so cute.
[SEAN:] Why don't we leave the summer skirt on, but let's take those fine panties passed those long, strong legs of yours, hmm?
[GIRL #2:] Oh my god.
[SEAN:] Yeah.
[GIRL #2:] And how about you take off clothes, Sean.
[SEAN:] Oh, oh is that right, baby? You want me to show my stuff, too?
[GIRL #2:] My god, you look good, Sean.
[SEAN:] Yeah, yeah baby I keep in shape, you know.
[GIRL #2:] Ooh.
[she starts to unbuckle his pants]
[SEAN:] Yeah, unbuckle my pants, move hands on my wet weiner and let's get it swingin'.
[GIRL #2:] What's that?
[SEAN:] Let's get it swingin'.
[GIRL #2:] No, the other thing you said?
[SEAN:] ...The wet-weiner?
[GIRL #2:] [gasps] You know what?
[SEAN:] Yeah?
[GIRL #2:] I'm going to go throw up, now. See you.
[SEAN:] Hmm, leave me all horny here. How... how you going to get home there, baby?
[GIRL #2:] I'll walk. [She begins to walk away]
[SEAN:] Mm-hm. I'm-a call you.
[GIRL #2:] Don't. [She's gone]
[SEAN:] A'ight, A'ight. I'm go in for a swim anyways, you know that baby. [to self:] Going to get this swing-ding wet somehow. Salted off the rubarbs, ain't that a bitch?
[THE END]
[SEAN:] This is quite the chill night. kicking back on the beach with a fine girl such as yourself.
[GIRL #2:] Yeah, the waves are so calming.
[SEAN:] So, is your body looking like michaelangelo made you or some shit.
[GIRL #2:] Thanks Sean, that's so sweet.
[Sean presses 'play' button on tape player]
[SEAN:] Let's see what's going on under this velvet top of yours.
[GIRL #2:] Uh-oh.
[SEAN:] Oh calming, your coming off strong with some beautiful waves of your own there, baby.
[GIRL #2:] Oh Sean, you're so cute.
[SEAN:] Why don't we leave the summer skirt on, but let's take those fine panties passed those long, strong legs of yours, hmm?
[GIRL #2:] Oh my god.
[SEAN:] Yeah.
[GIRL #2:] And how about you take off clothes, Sean.
[SEAN:] Oh, oh is that right, baby? You want me to show my stuff, too?
[GIRL #2:] My god, you look good, Sean.
[SEAN:] Yeah, yeah baby I keep in shape, you know.
[GIRL #2:] Ooh.
[she starts to unbuckle his pants]
[SEAN:] Yeah, unbuckle my pants, move hands on my wet weiner and let's get it swingin'.
[GIRL #2:] What's that?
[SEAN:] Let's get it swingin'.
[GIRL #2:] No, the other thing you said?
[SEAN:] ...The wet-weiner?
[GIRL #2:] [gasps] You know what?
[SEAN:] Yeah?
[GIRL #2:] I'm going to go throw up, now. See you.
[SEAN:] Hmm, leave me all horny here. How... how you going to get home there, baby?
[GIRL #2:] I'll walk. [She begins to walk away]
[SEAN:] Mm-hm. I'm-a call you.
[GIRL #2:] Don't. [She's gone]
[SEAN:] A'ight, A'ight. I'm go in for a swim anyways, you know that baby. [to self:] Going to get this swing-ding wet somehow. Salted off the rubarbs, ain't that a bitch?
[THE END]
Dee Wee (My Friend The Massive Idiot) - adam sandler
He said he'd be here at seven
The clock just hit 7:22
It's too cold outside
To wait for my ride
Watching mama try out a new doo (Bruins)
He said he'd be here at seven
But it just hit 7:35 (already?)
Here in Brockton, Mass.,
I got my thumb in my ass
Mama's combing up a big beehive (Celtics)
Where the fuck is he?
Where the fuck is he?
The bitch doesn't even bother calling
Even though it's 7:44 (I fell asleep, pally)
I'm feeling kinda antsy
Mama's getting fancy
Slicking back a wet pompadour (Red Sox)
He said he'd be here at seven
It's closing in on 8:01 (Trimmin' the ÂÂ'stache, kid)
Me lookin' like a sap
In a wool knit cap
Mama's next move is a bun (fuckin' Patriots)
Where the fuck is he? (My pants are still in the dryer, dude)
Where the fuck is he? (I couldn't find my fuckin' snowboots, pal)
I wish I had a car (Huge, huge hangover)
Oh, no (Massive hailstorm, massive hailstorm, massive)
That stupid little punk
He's probably fuckin' drunk
I bet he drank a case
Wanna pop him in the face right now
Mama's eyebrow
Wicked good
Wicked good (Oh, GOD)
Wicked good
Wicked good (Fuck yeah)
Wicked good
Wicked good (Pisser?)
Well my friend is still a no-show
And I'm getting' fucking pissed (Why?)
'Cause I could've gone with Charlie
In the side of his Harley
Mama's on the phone with a stylist (Fuck Charlie!)
So I guess I ain't going out tonight
'Cause the digits say 12:09 (Shit-faced)
But call the operator
'Cause one perm later
Mama's hair sure do look fine (Heffenreffer!!!)
Where the fuck
The clock just hit 7:22
It's too cold outside
To wait for my ride
Watching mama try out a new doo (Bruins)
He said he'd be here at seven
But it just hit 7:35 (already?)
Here in Brockton, Mass.,
I got my thumb in my ass
Mama's combing up a big beehive (Celtics)
Where the fuck is he?
Where the fuck is he?
The bitch doesn't even bother calling
Even though it's 7:44 (I fell asleep, pally)
I'm feeling kinda antsy
Mama's getting fancy
Slicking back a wet pompadour (Red Sox)
He said he'd be here at seven
It's closing in on 8:01 (Trimmin' the ÂÂ'stache, kid)
Me lookin' like a sap
In a wool knit cap
Mama's next move is a bun (fuckin' Patriots)
Where the fuck is he? (My pants are still in the dryer, dude)
Where the fuck is he? (I couldn't find my fuckin' snowboots, pal)
I wish I had a car (Huge, huge hangover)
Oh, no (Massive hailstorm, massive hailstorm, massive)
That stupid little punk
He's probably fuckin' drunk
I bet he drank a case
Wanna pop him in the face right now
Mama's eyebrow
Wicked good
Wicked good (Oh, GOD)
Wicked good
Wicked good (Fuck yeah)
Wicked good
Wicked good (Pisser?)
Well my friend is still a no-show
And I'm getting' fucking pissed (Why?)
'Cause I could've gone with Charlie
In the side of his Harley
Mama's on the phone with a stylist (Fuck Charlie!)
So I guess I ain't going out tonight
'Cause the digits say 12:09 (Shit-faced)
But call the operator
'Cause one perm later
Mama's hair sure do look fine (Heffenreffer!!!)
Where the fuck
Cool Guy 3 - adam sandler
[Sean pouring champagne]
[SEAN:] Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Baby I have to tell you, you looking unbelievably delicious laying there.
[GIRL #3:] Oh Sean, you're so sweet.
[SEAN:] Not as sweet as your silky thighs mama, I think I want to taste'em.
[He presses the 'play' button on his tape player]
[SEAN:] I going to start with your scrumptious toes as an appetizers, then I'm going to move up your body with my tongue, 'til I reach those lucious icecream sundaes.
[GIRL #3:] Mm, sounds nice. What else?
[SEAN:] Well, then I'm going to work my way back down, 'cause it's time for the main course. I'm like a bee heading down to your honey pot. But I won't be flying away soon, no I won't.
[she laughs sensually]
[SEAN:] Ooh, zippity, dippity.
[she takes a sip on the champagne]
[she laughs sensually]
[GIRL #3:] Tell me, what do you want me to do to you?
[SEAN:] Yeah, baby, I got a lot on my menu, but if I could recommend something, it would have to be tonight's special: My pud.
[GIRL #3:] What did you just say?
[SEAN:] I said you going to like tonight's special...
[GIRL #3:] And that's your pud?
[SEAN:] Yeah.
[GIRL #3:] You got to leave.
[SEAN:] Mm-hmm. A'ight. Just let me find my pants and I...
[looks for pants, finds them, struggles to put them on]
[SEAN:] I'm leaving.
[zips up pants, stops tape player, pulls out tape]
[SEAN:] Could you at least tell me the best way home?
[SEAN:] Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Baby I have to tell you, you looking unbelievably delicious laying there.
[GIRL #3:] Oh Sean, you're so sweet.
[SEAN:] Not as sweet as your silky thighs mama, I think I want to taste'em.
[He presses the 'play' button on his tape player]
[SEAN:] I going to start with your scrumptious toes as an appetizers, then I'm going to move up your body with my tongue, 'til I reach those lucious icecream sundaes.
[GIRL #3:] Mm, sounds nice. What else?
[SEAN:] Well, then I'm going to work my way back down, 'cause it's time for the main course. I'm like a bee heading down to your honey pot. But I won't be flying away soon, no I won't.
[she laughs sensually]
[SEAN:] Ooh, zippity, dippity.
[she takes a sip on the champagne]
[she laughs sensually]
[GIRL #3:] Tell me, what do you want me to do to you?
[SEAN:] Yeah, baby, I got a lot on my menu, but if I could recommend something, it would have to be tonight's special: My pud.
[GIRL #3:] What did you just say?
[SEAN:] I said you going to like tonight's special...
[GIRL #3:] And that's your pud?
[SEAN:] Yeah.
[GIRL #3:] You got to leave.
[SEAN:] Mm-hmm. A'ight. Just let me find my pants and I...
[looks for pants, finds them, struggles to put them on]
[SEAN:] I'm leaving.
[zips up pants, stops tape player, pulls out tape]
[SEAN:] Could you at least tell me the best way home?
She Comes Home To Me - adam sandler
Though I have been a fool for love
I have finally made my score
I got a girl, and I don't mean to boast
But she loves me the most
Even though she's a highly paid whore
She'll give head to a sheep
She can stuff three cocks in her cheek
But she comes home to me
She'll do the groom and the best man
She'll slap your ass in the back of a van
But she comes home to me
She could fuck nine guys in a row
But still have a tenth for me
And I'm the only one who gets to kiss them lips
Unless you pay an extra fifty
So mister, don't you fall in love
Cause I'm the only cat who doesn't wear a glove
Since her heart belongs to me
She has a throat that just won't quit
She can take all of it
And still have room for your balls
but she shops in the malls for me
She'll say twelve then call back and say one
But I don't care I know it's just work not fun
When she blows you, Jack
Don't you think she's not thinking of me
She'll go down on a yack, lick a horse's nutsack
But strictly for the cash
And it's only me who doesn't pay a fee
to watch her put a water bottle in her gash
(Put a water bottle in her gash)
She'll let you suck her nips till they're leakin'
But don't you dare try to go antique-ing
Cause she does that with me
Her pussy's sweet as honey
But when she moans, it's just for the money
Unless she's sittin' on me
She'll cram your asshole with a mouse
But she won't do it in our house
Tough luck, Jack
She knows that don't fly with me
She might eat your wife's box
But she won't tell ya where you left your socks
She rolled up and down your fat prick
But it was me who took her to the Meg Ryan flick
She's got a face full of nuts
And a mouth full of cocks
She's done Seal, Larry King, four New Kids on the Block,
She blew the Winnepeg Jets right after a game
But they never got to know her actual name
On your face she will piss
On your chest she might poop
But she won't prepare her famous vegetable soup
That's simply reserved..
Oh she'll bite ya, she'll spank ya
But she'll never thank you for free
Cause baby... comes home to me.
Comin' home!!
I have finally made my score
I got a girl, and I don't mean to boast
But she loves me the most
Even though she's a highly paid whore
She'll give head to a sheep
She can stuff three cocks in her cheek
But she comes home to me
She'll do the groom and the best man
She'll slap your ass in the back of a van
But she comes home to me
She could fuck nine guys in a row
But still have a tenth for me
And I'm the only one who gets to kiss them lips
Unless you pay an extra fifty
So mister, don't you fall in love
Cause I'm the only cat who doesn't wear a glove
Since her heart belongs to me
She has a throat that just won't quit
She can take all of it
And still have room for your balls
but she shops in the malls for me
She'll say twelve then call back and say one
But I don't care I know it's just work not fun
When she blows you, Jack
Don't you think she's not thinking of me
She'll go down on a yack, lick a horse's nutsack
But strictly for the cash
And it's only me who doesn't pay a fee
to watch her put a water bottle in her gash
(Put a water bottle in her gash)
She'll let you suck her nips till they're leakin'
But don't you dare try to go antique-ing
Cause she does that with me
Her pussy's sweet as honey
But when she moans, it's just for the money
Unless she's sittin' on me
She'll cram your asshole with a mouse
But she won't do it in our house
Tough luck, Jack
She knows that don't fly with me
She might eat your wife's box
But she won't tell ya where you left your socks
She rolled up and down your fat prick
But it was me who took her to the Meg Ryan flick
She's got a face full of nuts
And a mouth full of cocks
She's done Seal, Larry King, four New Kids on the Block,
She blew the Winnepeg Jets right after a game
But they never got to know her actual name
On your face she will piss
On your chest she might poop
But she won't prepare her famous vegetable soup
That's simply reserved..
Oh she'll bite ya, she'll spank ya
But she'll never thank you for free
Cause baby... comes home to me.
Comin' home!!
The Champion - adam sandler
[Donald:] Welcome back on this glorious sunday afternoon for the final round of the Enbuary classic. The legendary Champion is now approaching the 18’th tee off with an insomauntible 8th stroke lead.
[The Champion:] Well let’s wrap this thing up
[Donald:] The gallery lets the champion know what a fine three days of golf he has had. The always charming Champion is now taking time to high five a young spectator and the boy, the boy is awestruck. Haha, the gallery erupts into delight
[Random person in the gallery:] Go get them champ!
[Donald:] Yes Yes. I think it would be hard to find in any sport a champion who is as beloved as this one. And the encouraging gallery goes silent. Eight strokes ahead of the pack, the Champion slowly starts his back swing.
[Honking car horn]
[Champion:] Four! (Hit the golf ball.)
[Donald:] Oh no no! Apparently the honking horn had some sort of concentration effect on the champion’s usual monstrous drive.
[Champion:] Is that Greag normen’s kid or something?
[Gallery begins to laugh.]
[Donald:] The Champion shakes it off and makes some sort of humorous remark about the horn to the gallery and they eat it up.
[Champion:] Let’s get the ball back on the field.
[Donald:] Yes Yes, well now the Champion, his Caddy, and the elendent gallery make their way to the Champion’s ball, which is unfortunately larged next to a very thick tree route. The champion and his caddy talk it over. He;s going to play it safe and punch out with a 7 iron with a 8 stroke lead this is simply smart play by the legendary Champion. He approaches the ball.. let’s watch.
[Champion:] Take a swing at the ball hitting the tree route in the process
[Donald:] Oh,well I.. I don’t think that’s what the Champion had in mind when he took that swing. The ball is now 10 yards.. um into the woods after ricoshaying off the tree route, and ther’s a look of pain on the Champion’s face. He is shaking his hands as if to say I did not have a strong enough grip on the club when I hit the tree route, and my hands are stinging quite badly.
[Champion: (Start Grunting)]
[Donald:] The Champion is starting to mutter some obscenities about the car horn, which if you just joined us blew earlier during the champion’s back swing at the 18’th tee off. Well now his caddy and friend of 25 years, Mr. Skipijankings, is doing every thing he can to get the champion’s mind back on track.
[Skipijankings: (Say line during: is doing every thing he can...)] Forget about the car horn, let’s just win this thing!
[Champion:] Hahah, you’re right.
[Donald:] What wonderful veteran words of wisdom. The Champion nods in agreement, and heads into the woods to set up for his third shot which he will have to play out of a dreadfully muddy lie. He’s sticking with his 7 iron closes the club face a little. He starts his swing.
[Champion:] (Swing at ball)
[Donald:] And the ball did not move, um if anything it’s a little deeper in the mud.
[Champion:] What is this fucking quick sand?!
[Donald:] The Champion is now conferring with coarse marshal, David Canner.
[Champion:] What do I do next?
[David:] Gonna have to drop one.
[Donald:] And yes i.. it has been ruled that his ball is unplayible, he will take a drop and a one stroke penally.
[Champion: (Start laughing a bit too hard as if you where drunk)]
[Donald:] and the Champion is now laughing very hard, uh one might say a little too hard, but none of the less, he drops his new Areo Fly Ball and resumes play.
[Gallery: (Start to clap)]
[Donald:] Back with his trusty 3 wood, the Champion lines up his shot. He starts his back swing.
[Champion: (Fart)]
[Donald:] He flatuates. Stops his swing, and steps away from his ball, and whispers something too his caddy, Mr. Skipijankings.
[Skipijankings:] Wha? What do you mean you got to take a Shit?
[Champion:] I’ve got to shit.
[Skipijankings:] Finish the fucking hole, we’ve got to win this mother fucker!
[Random man in gallery:] Jesus Christ man!
[Donald:] Well now the Champion is staring angrily at his caddy. He continues to star for quite some time, and then abruptly walks back to his ball; not taking much time set up at all he swings,
[Champion: (Swing at the ball.)]
Connects, a Smash of a hit!
[Gallery:] (applaud)
[Donald:] Starting to slice, oh no it goes directly into the center of a man-made water hazard!
[Champion:] You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!
[Donald:] The Champion slowly walks over to his golf bag, unzips it, and pulls out, hmm what I believe is a 16 oz silver beverage container and starts drinking in large gulps. Why don’t we take this time for a word from our sponcers, and then we will return to our final round coverage of the Enbuary Classic. (Whispers: Well I have no idea what he was thinking)
[ANNOUNCER GUY:] What do 17 major championships, over 6 million dollars in prize money, and the complete domination of the sport of golf have in common? Two things: The Champion, and Areo Fly Balls. Areo Fly Balls, they just seem to go further. If it’s good enough for the Champion, don’t you think it’s good enough for you.
[Donald:] Well welcome back to our final round coverage of the Enbuary Classic.
[Random Man: (Say this during the beginning)] PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON!
[Champion:] I’ll tell you one thing. no one’s fucking up me in my hole.
[Donald:] As we join the action,
[Champion:] Because thay are fucking ugly
[Donald:] We can see his caddy and long time friend, Mr. Skipijankings, trying to cox the Champion out of the sand trap where he is presently on his back making a snow angle.
[Skipijankings:] Get up! GET THE FUCK UP. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
[Champion:] All right (get out of hole)
[Donald:] Well the Champion is now ceasing his softmories behavior and is climbing out of the trap onto the green.
[Champion:] Yee-Haw! (Charge at Skipijankings and Tackle him)
[Donald:] The Champion has just tackled long time friend, Mr. Skipijankings, I’ve never scene any thing like this.
[Skipijankings:] That’s it! I’m getting the Fuck out of here! You’re fucked up dude, you need some help!
[Champion:] Ya I need help fucking your wife!
[Skipijankings:] Fuck you! (Kick the Champion very hard!) Don’t you EVER TALK about my wife! I’ll FUKING KILL YOU MAN!
[Donald:] Hear Hear! Generally Tempered, long time friend Mr. Skipijankings now storming off the forced hole, not with out hearing some expletive words hurled at him by the classless lord of the lace. Tears streaming down his face, the Champion is now alone on the green left with mainly a 12 foot put. (Police sirens are going off) Who would of thought that a horn honk could bring about such disaster and disarray in one ma’s life. The Champion, now lining up his put, using the flag stick as his putter for some odd reason. He takes a few steps towards the hole, unbuckles his belt, The CHAMPION is defecating in the cup, and the gallery has scene enough! Not a moment too soon the police have arrived, and are advancing towards the champion slowly. In a last desperate act, the Champion holds the flag stick as if it were a large lance from medieval times, and runs full kilt in rage in his eyes towards the Officers.
[Officers (Begin firing guns)]
[Donald:] They Open fire. The champion has been shot. He is down on the green, he’s not moving, walking inching their way towards the champion, the officer checks the champion’s pulse, and signals to the other police that the Champion is sure enough dead. If you are just joining us Sunday May 7’th at 2:42 P.M. perhaps the greatest golfer of our time is diseased at age 39. My God have mercy on his sole. This has been Donald Hefington saying good day, and good golf.
[The Champion:] Well let’s wrap this thing up
[Donald:] The gallery lets the champion know what a fine three days of golf he has had. The always charming Champion is now taking time to high five a young spectator and the boy, the boy is awestruck. Haha, the gallery erupts into delight
[Random person in the gallery:] Go get them champ!
[Donald:] Yes Yes. I think it would be hard to find in any sport a champion who is as beloved as this one. And the encouraging gallery goes silent. Eight strokes ahead of the pack, the Champion slowly starts his back swing.
[Honking car horn]
[Champion:] Four! (Hit the golf ball.)
[Donald:] Oh no no! Apparently the honking horn had some sort of concentration effect on the champion’s usual monstrous drive.
[Champion:] Is that Greag normen’s kid or something?
[Gallery begins to laugh.]
[Donald:] The Champion shakes it off and makes some sort of humorous remark about the horn to the gallery and they eat it up.
[Champion:] Let’s get the ball back on the field.
[Donald:] Yes Yes, well now the Champion, his Caddy, and the elendent gallery make their way to the Champion’s ball, which is unfortunately larged next to a very thick tree route. The champion and his caddy talk it over. He;s going to play it safe and punch out with a 7 iron with a 8 stroke lead this is simply smart play by the legendary Champion. He approaches the ball.. let’s watch.
[Champion:] Take a swing at the ball hitting the tree route in the process
[Donald:] Oh,well I.. I don’t think that’s what the Champion had in mind when he took that swing. The ball is now 10 yards.. um into the woods after ricoshaying off the tree route, and ther’s a look of pain on the Champion’s face. He is shaking his hands as if to say I did not have a strong enough grip on the club when I hit the tree route, and my hands are stinging quite badly.
[Champion: (Start Grunting)]
[Donald:] The Champion is starting to mutter some obscenities about the car horn, which if you just joined us blew earlier during the champion’s back swing at the 18’th tee off. Well now his caddy and friend of 25 years, Mr. Skipijankings, is doing every thing he can to get the champion’s mind back on track.
[Skipijankings: (Say line during: is doing every thing he can...)] Forget about the car horn, let’s just win this thing!
[Champion:] Hahah, you’re right.
[Donald:] What wonderful veteran words of wisdom. The Champion nods in agreement, and heads into the woods to set up for his third shot which he will have to play out of a dreadfully muddy lie. He’s sticking with his 7 iron closes the club face a little. He starts his swing.
[Champion:] (Swing at ball)
[Donald:] And the ball did not move, um if anything it’s a little deeper in the mud.
[Champion:] What is this fucking quick sand?!
[Donald:] The Champion is now conferring with coarse marshal, David Canner.
[Champion:] What do I do next?
[David:] Gonna have to drop one.
[Donald:] And yes i.. it has been ruled that his ball is unplayible, he will take a drop and a one stroke penally.
[Champion: (Start laughing a bit too hard as if you where drunk)]
[Donald:] and the Champion is now laughing very hard, uh one might say a little too hard, but none of the less, he drops his new Areo Fly Ball and resumes play.
[Gallery: (Start to clap)]
[Donald:] Back with his trusty 3 wood, the Champion lines up his shot. He starts his back swing.
[Champion: (Fart)]
[Donald:] He flatuates. Stops his swing, and steps away from his ball, and whispers something too his caddy, Mr. Skipijankings.
[Skipijankings:] Wha? What do you mean you got to take a Shit?
[Champion:] I’ve got to shit.
[Skipijankings:] Finish the fucking hole, we’ve got to win this mother fucker!
[Random man in gallery:] Jesus Christ man!
[Donald:] Well now the Champion is staring angrily at his caddy. He continues to star for quite some time, and then abruptly walks back to his ball; not taking much time set up at all he swings,
[Champion: (Swing at the ball.)]
Connects, a Smash of a hit!
[Gallery:] (applaud)
[Donald:] Starting to slice, oh no it goes directly into the center of a man-made water hazard!
[Champion:] You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!
[Donald:] The Champion slowly walks over to his golf bag, unzips it, and pulls out, hmm what I believe is a 16 oz silver beverage container and starts drinking in large gulps. Why don’t we take this time for a word from our sponcers, and then we will return to our final round coverage of the Enbuary Classic. (Whispers: Well I have no idea what he was thinking)
[ANNOUNCER GUY:] What do 17 major championships, over 6 million dollars in prize money, and the complete domination of the sport of golf have in common? Two things: The Champion, and Areo Fly Balls. Areo Fly Balls, they just seem to go further. If it’s good enough for the Champion, don’t you think it’s good enough for you.
[Donald:] Well welcome back to our final round coverage of the Enbuary Classic.
[Random Man: (Say this during the beginning)] PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON!
[Champion:] I’ll tell you one thing. no one’s fucking up me in my hole.
[Donald:] As we join the action,
[Champion:] Because thay are fucking ugly
[Donald:] We can see his caddy and long time friend, Mr. Skipijankings, trying to cox the Champion out of the sand trap where he is presently on his back making a snow angle.
[Skipijankings:] Get up! GET THE FUCK UP. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
[Champion:] All right (get out of hole)
[Donald:] Well the Champion is now ceasing his softmories behavior and is climbing out of the trap onto the green.
[Champion:] Yee-Haw! (Charge at Skipijankings and Tackle him)
[Donald:] The Champion has just tackled long time friend, Mr. Skipijankings, I’ve never scene any thing like this.
[Skipijankings:] That’s it! I’m getting the Fuck out of here! You’re fucked up dude, you need some help!
[Champion:] Ya I need help fucking your wife!
[Skipijankings:] Fuck you! (Kick the Champion very hard!) Don’t you EVER TALK about my wife! I’ll FUKING KILL YOU MAN!
[Donald:] Hear Hear! Generally Tempered, long time friend Mr. Skipijankings now storming off the forced hole, not with out hearing some expletive words hurled at him by the classless lord of the lace. Tears streaming down his face, the Champion is now alone on the green left with mainly a 12 foot put. (Police sirens are going off) Who would of thought that a horn honk could bring about such disaster and disarray in one ma’s life. The Champion, now lining up his put, using the flag stick as his putter for some odd reason. He takes a few steps towards the hole, unbuckles his belt, The CHAMPION is defecating in the cup, and the gallery has scene enough! Not a moment too soon the police have arrived, and are advancing towards the champion slowly. In a last desperate act, the Champion holds the flag stick as if it were a large lance from medieval times, and runs full kilt in rage in his eyes towards the Officers.
[Officers (Begin firing guns)]
[Donald:] They Open fire. The champion has been shot. He is down on the green, he’s not moving, walking inching their way towards the champion, the officer checks the champion’s pulse, and signals to the other police that the Champion is sure enough dead. If you are just joining us Sunday May 7’th at 2:42 P.M. perhaps the greatest golfer of our time is diseased at age 39. My God have mercy on his sole. This has been Donald Hefington saying good day, and good golf.
Cool Guy 4 - adam sandler
[Sean on the phone with a call-girl.]
[SEAN:] What's your name, baby?
[GIRL #4:] Desiree.
[SEAN:] Ohh, what a nice name for a nice girl, such as your self.
[GIRL #4:] What's your name?
[Sean presses 'play' button on tape player]
[SEAN:] My name's Sean, I want to get it on.
[GIRL #4:] Ooh.
[SEAN:] You know what I'm talking about, honey, I want to drop some serious loving on you, mama.
[GIRL #4:] Oh Sean, you sound so strong, like you really know what you want.
[SEAN:] Yeah baby, I'm strong as a bear, I want to wrap my big arm around you...
[GIRL #4:] Oh my.
[SEAN:] You want to be spinning around for some more lovin' I got for you?
[GIRL #4:] That's sounds nice, sean.
[SEAN:] You know what else sounds nice, the sound of your clothes slidding off and hitting the floor. that's music to my ears.
[GIRL #4:] I'm already naked, how about you?
[SEAN:] Well, I'm half way there, baby, just let me slip out of these silky boxer shorts of mine.
[GIRL #4:] You must look good you stud, are you hard?
[SEAN:] Baby, my tally-whacker's all revved up and ready to go.
[GIRL #4:] ..."Tally-whacker"?
[SEAN:] No, no, no... I said the sweet-meat.
[GIRL #4:] Oh my god.
[SEAN:] What?
[GIRL #4: {To other call girl}] I just heard some fucking idiot call it a tally-whacker.
[Sean groans]
[CALL GIRL #2: {To Girl #4}] Your kidding?
[GIRL #4: {To other call girl}] And his sweet-meat.
[CALL GIRL #2: {To Girl #4}] That's so gross.
[she hangs up]
[SEAN:] No. She did not just fucking hang up on me for 4 dollars a fucking minute.
[hangs up]
what the fuck is happening
[weeping]
... I'm horny, goddamn it. Oh, shit. Fucking, this is so un-chill.
[SEAN:] What's your name, baby?
[GIRL #4:] Desiree.
[SEAN:] Ohh, what a nice name for a nice girl, such as your self.
[GIRL #4:] What's your name?
[Sean presses 'play' button on tape player]
[SEAN:] My name's Sean, I want to get it on.
[GIRL #4:] Ooh.
[SEAN:] You know what I'm talking about, honey, I want to drop some serious loving on you, mama.
[GIRL #4:] Oh Sean, you sound so strong, like you really know what you want.
[SEAN:] Yeah baby, I'm strong as a bear, I want to wrap my big arm around you...
[GIRL #4:] Oh my.
[SEAN:] You want to be spinning around for some more lovin' I got for you?
[GIRL #4:] That's sounds nice, sean.
[SEAN:] You know what else sounds nice, the sound of your clothes slidding off and hitting the floor. that's music to my ears.
[GIRL #4:] I'm already naked, how about you?
[SEAN:] Well, I'm half way there, baby, just let me slip out of these silky boxer shorts of mine.
[GIRL #4:] You must look good you stud, are you hard?
[SEAN:] Baby, my tally-whacker's all revved up and ready to go.
[GIRL #4:] ..."Tally-whacker"?
[SEAN:] No, no, no... I said the sweet-meat.
[GIRL #4:] Oh my god.
[SEAN:] What?
[GIRL #4: {To other call girl}] I just heard some fucking idiot call it a tally-whacker.
[Sean groans]
[CALL GIRL #2: {To Girl #4}] Your kidding?
[GIRL #4: {To other call girl}] And his sweet-meat.
[CALL GIRL #2: {To Girl #4}] That's so gross.
[she hangs up]
[SEAN:] No. She did not just fucking hang up on me for 4 dollars a fucking minute.
[hangs up]
what the fuck is happening
[weeping]
... I'm horny, goddamn it. Oh, shit. Fucking, this is so un-chill.
The Chanukah Song (II) - adam sandler
Put on your yarmulka
Its time for Chanukah
So much funnaka
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me
Winona Ryder,
Drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a draydle with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein
Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys
Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass Jew
We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And yes her boobs are real
Put on your yarmulka
Its time for Chanukah
2 time Ocsar winning Dustin Hoffmanaka
celebrates Chanukah
O.J. Simpson
Still not a Jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo
Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn't
but now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack.
Guess who got bar-mitzvahed
On the PGA tour
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods
I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore.
So many Jews are in the show biz
Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish
But my mother thinks he is.
Tell the world-amanaka
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
It's not pronounced Ch-nakah
The C is silent in Chanukah
So read your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tijuanaka
If you really really wannaka
Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah!
Its time for Chanukah
So much funnaka
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights
Instead of one day of presents
We get eight crazy nights
When you feel like the only kid in town
Without a Christmas tree
Here's a new list of people who are Jewish
Just like you and me
Winona Ryder,
Drinks Manischewitz wine
Then spins a draydle with Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein
Guess who gives and receives
Loads of Chanukah toys
The girls from Veruca Salt and all three Beastie Boys
Lenny Kravitz is half Jewish,
Courtney Love is half too
Put them together
What a funky bad ass Jew
We got Harvey Keitel
And flash dancer Jennifer Beals
Yasmine Bleeth from Baywatch is Jewish
And yes her boobs are real
Put on your yarmulka
Its time for Chanukah
2 time Ocsar winning Dustin Hoffmanaka
celebrates Chanukah
O.J. Simpson
Still not a Jew
But guess who is,
The guy who does the voice for Scooby Doo
Bob Dylan was born a Jew
Then he wasn't
but now he's back,
Mary Tyler Moore's husband is Jewish
'Cause we're pretty good in the sack.
Guess who got bar-mitzvahed
On the PGA tour
No I'm not talking about Tiger Woods
I'm talkin' about Mr. Happy Gilmore.
So many Jews are in the show biz
Bruce Springsteen isn't Jewish
But my mother thinks he is.
Tell the world-amanaka
It's time to celebrate Chanukah
It's not pronounced Ch-nakah
The C is silent in Chanukah
So read your hooked on phonica
Get drunk in Tijuanaka
If you really really wannaka
Have a happy happy happy happy Chanukah!
Inner Voice - adam sandler
I'm happily married with a house and three mistresses
Even with the beard I'm not as hairy as my sister is
Got a new Hummer, two Ferraris, and some Lexuses
And all the girls I know got the big big breasteses
I got a ten story mansion on the beach
With a swimmin' pool filled up with the drool of Robin Leach
Richer than a Twinkie, I got so much cash
That to me Paris Hilton is poor white trash
I take forty-seven weeks of vacation a year
If people piss me off I can make 'em disappear
Every time I sneeze I get a feature on the news
The reporter says "gesundheit" and hilarity ensues
And how did I get to be the man that I am?
A god among men, only without the tan
It's simple, every time I have to make a choice
I just listen to my little inner voice, and he says
"Shave all the hair off your butt and glue it to your nostrils"
OK
"Steal all the milk from all the supermarkets and put it
back in the cows"
Alright
"Find out which species of rodent is the most flammable"
OK
"Let's see what fun crafts we can make using only a chainsaw
and Regis Philbin"
Yeah!
So how do I explain my little cranial expressions
Intuition, premonition, or demonic possession?
It could be God, an angel, or my dead uncle Paul
Or that nasty purple fuzzy thing that lives in my wall
Doesn't matter, and to be honest I don't wanna know
'Cause thanks to him I've never had to deal with an HMO
And I can go show off my rocket powered solid gold Benz
I tell ya life is no much nicer with invisible friends
"Record an all-banjo Falco tribute album"
Done, and done.
"Put on a tutu, glue two live wiener dogs to your face, and
prance around the subway terminal screaming 'Stop looking at me!'"
OK
"There's no reason not to have sex with a cheese grater."
Hmm, no, I suppose not.
"Set up a stand outside of K-Mart with a plate full of frozen peas
and a sign reading 'Take one!' If anyone asks you what the hell
your doing, give them a button that says 'I asked about the peas!'"
He's become my best friend, sticks with me to the end
Thanks to him I'll never live on Ramen noodles again
And he's always by my side, every minute, every hour
Though it does get kinda creepy when I'm trying to take a shower
Still I can't complain 'cause he made me rich
And figured out it was the opossum milk that made me itch
If it seems weird remember the voice made me do it
I don't question what he says I just get up and get to it
"Itemize everything in your cat's litter box for the next seven years
and mail a report to the President with a note saying 'Here!'"
Good idea
"It's time to find out what urinal cakes taste like"
If you say so
"Get a black and white horizontally striped suit, a mask,
and a bowling ball with a small length of rope hanging from it,
and tiptoe around the airport."
Sounds like fun
"How old does a baby need to be before it's too big
to fit down the toilet?"
I don't know. Let's find out.
"Keep swallowing magnets until your farts can erase video tapes."
Will do
So to that guy in my head I just wanna say thanks
For removin' my angst, so I'm no longer shootin' blanks
And now I own several banks, plus an inflatable watch
And paid Justin Timberlake to let me kick him in the crotch
I followed his advice and now I'm makin' major duckets
If it wasn't for him I'd still be processing McNuggets
So when life makes you feel like you should've stayed in bed
Just listen to the voice in your head, and he'll say
"Fat people are full of toys. Go get some!"
Yeah!
"Build a 20 foot tall nude statue of Tony Goldmark licking
warm margarine off a malnourished dolphin out of onions,
pez, and lint."
With pleasure!
"If Yanni didn't want to be set on fire and shoved down
a flight of stairs, surely he would have said so explicitly by now."
Yeah, I guess so.
"Go to a McDonald's Playland, tie that big Officier Big Mac
thing to the back of your car, and drive away at 90 mph. When a
cop pulls you over, roll down the window and indignantly ask 'WHAT?'"
You got it!
"Move to New Jersey and become a comedy rap artist."
Oh... do I have to?
Even with the beard I'm not as hairy as my sister is
Got a new Hummer, two Ferraris, and some Lexuses
And all the girls I know got the big big breasteses
I got a ten story mansion on the beach
With a swimmin' pool filled up with the drool of Robin Leach
Richer than a Twinkie, I got so much cash
That to me Paris Hilton is poor white trash
I take forty-seven weeks of vacation a year
If people piss me off I can make 'em disappear
Every time I sneeze I get a feature on the news
The reporter says "gesundheit" and hilarity ensues
And how did I get to be the man that I am?
A god among men, only without the tan
It's simple, every time I have to make a choice
I just listen to my little inner voice, and he says
"Shave all the hair off your butt and glue it to your nostrils"
OK
"Steal all the milk from all the supermarkets and put it
back in the cows"
Alright
"Find out which species of rodent is the most flammable"
OK
"Let's see what fun crafts we can make using only a chainsaw
and Regis Philbin"
Yeah!
So how do I explain my little cranial expressions
Intuition, premonition, or demonic possession?
It could be God, an angel, or my dead uncle Paul
Or that nasty purple fuzzy thing that lives in my wall
Doesn't matter, and to be honest I don't wanna know
'Cause thanks to him I've never had to deal with an HMO
And I can go show off my rocket powered solid gold Benz
I tell ya life is no much nicer with invisible friends
"Record an all-banjo Falco tribute album"
Done, and done.
"Put on a tutu, glue two live wiener dogs to your face, and
prance around the subway terminal screaming 'Stop looking at me!'"
OK
"There's no reason not to have sex with a cheese grater."
Hmm, no, I suppose not.
"Set up a stand outside of K-Mart with a plate full of frozen peas
and a sign reading 'Take one!' If anyone asks you what the hell
your doing, give them a button that says 'I asked about the peas!'"
He's become my best friend, sticks with me to the end
Thanks to him I'll never live on Ramen noodles again
And he's always by my side, every minute, every hour
Though it does get kinda creepy when I'm trying to take a shower
Still I can't complain 'cause he made me rich
And figured out it was the opossum milk that made me itch
If it seems weird remember the voice made me do it
I don't question what he says I just get up and get to it
"Itemize everything in your cat's litter box for the next seven years
and mail a report to the President with a note saying 'Here!'"
Good idea
"It's time to find out what urinal cakes taste like"
If you say so
"Get a black and white horizontally striped suit, a mask,
and a bowling ball with a small length of rope hanging from it,
and tiptoe around the airport."
Sounds like fun
"How old does a baby need to be before it's too big
to fit down the toilet?"
I don't know. Let's find out.
"Keep swallowing magnets until your farts can erase video tapes."
Will do
So to that guy in my head I just wanna say thanks
For removin' my angst, so I'm no longer shootin' blanks
And now I own several banks, plus an inflatable watch
And paid Justin Timberlake to let me kick him in the crotch
I followed his advice and now I'm makin' major duckets
If it wasn't for him I'd still be processing McNuggets
So when life makes you feel like you should've stayed in bed
Just listen to the voice in your head, and he'll say
"Fat people are full of toys. Go get some!"
Yeah!
"Build a 20 foot tall nude statue of Tony Goldmark licking
warm margarine off a malnourished dolphin out of onions,
pez, and lint."
With pleasure!
"If Yanni didn't want to be set on fire and shoved down
a flight of stairs, surely he would have said so explicitly by now."
Yeah, I guess so.
"Go to a McDonald's Playland, tie that big Officier Big Mac
thing to the back of your car, and drive away at 90 mph. When a
cop pulls you over, roll down the window and indignantly ask 'WHAT?'"
You got it!
"Move to New Jersey and become a comedy rap artist."
Oh... do I have to?
Cool Guy 5 - adam sandler
[Sean pulling up in his car to a hooker]
[GIRL #5:] Hey, honey.
[SEAN:] S'up baby? Looking all smooth, standing on the corner at 3 in the morning and shit. You cold, baby? You want to use me as a blanket?
[GIRL #5:] I'm just doing my thing.
[SEAN:] Well, does doing your thing mean your tricky? 'Cause I'd like to invest some of my hard earned money towards loving you, if you know what I getting at.
[GIRL #5:] Well, how much you got, big man?
[SEAN:] Well, I'm willing to drop 50 dollars on your ass, but there's a condition going on.
[GIRL #5:] What's that?
[SEAN:] You're going to have to put those lucious lips of yours on... my... slub-a-dub.
[GIRL #5:] Ooh, I can do that.
[SEAN:] You can?
[GIRL #5:] Mm-hmm.
[SEAN:] You mean, you ain't going make fun of the fact that I called my gizza-gazza a "slub-a-dub"?
[GIRL #5:] Honey you can call your thing what ever you want to as long as you got 50 bucks.
[SEAN:] Oh sna... well, alright then here's the 50 dollars, [unzips pants] and here's my flip stick, now start wetting that thing up.
[GIRL #5:] [Opens his door] Sir, you are under arrest.
[police car pulls up]
[SEAN:] You got to be fucking with mind here.
[GIRL #5:] No, I'm not.
[COP:] Good job, Denise. We'll take him from here.
[Cop hand cuffs Sean]
[SEAN:] WHAT?!?! You going to arrest my ass for trying to get a ride on my slip 'n' slide? Fuck that shit.
[GIRL #5:] Hey honey, when you get to jail, you're going to be on the other end of a slip 'n' slide, and I hope you enjoy yourself.
[SEAN:] WWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT?!?!?!
[cop throws Sean in back of police car]
[COP:] Just get in the back, asshole.
[GIRL #5:] [from outside] You sick fuck.
[SEAN:] Damn!! [crying] This is a bunch of bullshit!!!
[PEEPER:] Piss on me. [also in the back of the police car]
[SEAN:] WHAT?!
[PEEPER:] Please, piss me.
[SEAN:] NO!!!
[PEEPER:] Just a tinkle.
[SEAN:] Fuck that, keep him away from me.
[PEEPER:] Urine.
[SEAN:] Keep this man away from me.
[GIRL #5:] Hey, honey.
[SEAN:] S'up baby? Looking all smooth, standing on the corner at 3 in the morning and shit. You cold, baby? You want to use me as a blanket?
[GIRL #5:] I'm just doing my thing.
[SEAN:] Well, does doing your thing mean your tricky? 'Cause I'd like to invest some of my hard earned money towards loving you, if you know what I getting at.
[GIRL #5:] Well, how much you got, big man?
[SEAN:] Well, I'm willing to drop 50 dollars on your ass, but there's a condition going on.
[GIRL #5:] What's that?
[SEAN:] You're going to have to put those lucious lips of yours on... my... slub-a-dub.
[GIRL #5:] Ooh, I can do that.
[SEAN:] You can?
[GIRL #5:] Mm-hmm.
[SEAN:] You mean, you ain't going make fun of the fact that I called my gizza-gazza a "slub-a-dub"?
[GIRL #5:] Honey you can call your thing what ever you want to as long as you got 50 bucks.
[SEAN:] Oh sna... well, alright then here's the 50 dollars, [unzips pants] and here's my flip stick, now start wetting that thing up.
[GIRL #5:] [Opens his door] Sir, you are under arrest.
[police car pulls up]
[SEAN:] You got to be fucking with mind here.
[GIRL #5:] No, I'm not.
[COP:] Good job, Denise. We'll take him from here.
[Cop hand cuffs Sean]
[SEAN:] WHAT?!?! You going to arrest my ass for trying to get a ride on my slip 'n' slide? Fuck that shit.
[GIRL #5:] Hey honey, when you get to jail, you're going to be on the other end of a slip 'n' slide, and I hope you enjoy yourself.
[SEAN:] WWWWHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTT?!?!?!
[cop throws Sean in back of police car]
[COP:] Just get in the back, asshole.
[GIRL #5:] [from outside] You sick fuck.
[SEAN:] Damn!! [crying] This is a bunch of bullshit!!!
[PEEPER:] Piss on me. [also in the back of the police car]
[SEAN:] WHAT?!
[PEEPER:] Please, piss me.
[SEAN:] NO!!!
[PEEPER:] Just a tinkle.
[SEAN:] Fuck that, keep him away from me.
[PEEPER:] Urine.
[SEAN:] Keep this man away from me.
The Psychotic Legend Of Uncle Donnie - adam sandler
Holy shit, this boat is sweet uncle donnie.
It must be fast and shit.
This fucking boat's got more balls then the fuckin celtic's lockeroom.
Yeah but it musta cost you like 50 Gs or something.
One might think that but guess what? It didn't cost me jack shit.
What do you mean?
I stole it out of a winter storage parking lot.
No fucking way! You shitten me?
Yeah, paintjob, change of the license and bingo here we are sunny times.
Oh yeah, the sun is extra fucking hot, I had to stop drinking or I was gonna pass out.
I didn't eat all day, I'm extra fucking buzzed.
It must be fast and shit.
This fucking boat's got more balls then the fuckin celtic's lockeroom.
Yeah but it musta cost you like 50 Gs or something.
One might think that but guess what? It didn't cost me jack shit.
What do you mean?
I stole it out of a winter storage parking lot.
No fucking way! You shitten me?
Yeah, paintjob, change of the license and bingo here we are sunny times.
Oh yeah, the sun is extra fucking hot, I had to stop drinking or I was gonna pass out.
I didn't eat all day, I'm extra fucking buzzed.
Welcome My Son - adam sandler
Welcome my son to your very first day
So proud to be the one who brought you this way
I love you with all my heart
And my love is here to stay
But I can't help worrying will you eventually smoke weed?
Soon enough you'll be walking
You and me hand in hand
The silly words you'll be talkin'
Only daddy can understand
We'll go out making snowmen
Building castles in the sand
And all the time I'm thinking, will this kid end up smoking' weed?
But time keeps on going
And you keep on growin'
You're now six years old
You're getting so good at your spellin'
But my mind is always dwellin'
On the fact that you could be the kind of guy
Who grows up and needs to smoke weed on the couch
All the time
All the time
So answer me this while you're lying in your little bed
Why must you insist on bein' such a fuckin' pothead?
There's other things in life
That can make you feel good
But you just keep on smoking' your herb
You can't get enough of your precious, precious reefer
Where you getting all this money
To buy so much Hawaiian dope?
So proud to be the one who brought you this way
I love you with all my heart
And my love is here to stay
But I can't help worrying will you eventually smoke weed?
Soon enough you'll be walking
You and me hand in hand
The silly words you'll be talkin'
Only daddy can understand
We'll go out making snowmen
Building castles in the sand
And all the time I'm thinking, will this kid end up smoking' weed?
But time keeps on going
And you keep on growin'
You're now six years old
You're getting so good at your spellin'
But my mind is always dwellin'
On the fact that you could be the kind of guy
Who grows up and needs to smoke weed on the couch
All the time
All the time
So answer me this while you're lying in your little bed
Why must you insist on bein' such a fuckin' pothead?
There's other things in life
That can make you feel good
But you just keep on smoking' your herb
You can't get enough of your precious, precious reefer
Where you getting all this money
To buy so much Hawaiian dope?
Moyda - adam sandler
Schnine
He's a pretty good guy
He's nice to his neighbors
You can count on him to buy your school candy bars
He's a real nic guy
He's always got the jumper cables
He'll take your mail in when you're on vacation
He's a good-hearted man
Volunteers at the library
He'll help you find a book on whales
He's a thoughtfull man
Rememers your birthday
Says God bless you when you sneeze
But there's a problem
It's not your average problem
But it's a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
He'll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda
He's a friendly guy
He waves to all the joggers
Children use his backyard as a short-cut
He's a real sweet guy
He always recycles
Referees the Junior High basketball for no pay
He's a great, great man
He'll sign your petition
Then proceed to compliment your new haircut
But there's a problem
It's not your average problem
But it's a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
South of the boyda
He's wanted for moyda
Here he comes
Hey Larry, how ya doing?
How's the garden coming?
You know, it's interesting
I just read at the library
That you need to rotate the soil
To get real plump, read tomatoes
Oh, and one more thing
My hobby is moyda
Two, three, four
I'm a sick man
My hobby is moyda
My hobby is moyda
I'll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda
[Chanting]
I never loiter
After committing the doity deed of moyda
Only Sigmund Freuda
Knows why I cannot and will not stop committing moyda
Murder, murder, murder, murder, murder
He's a pretty good guy
He's nice to his neighbors
You can count on him to buy your school candy bars
He's a real nic guy
He's always got the jumper cables
He'll take your mail in when you're on vacation
He's a good-hearted man
Volunteers at the library
He'll help you find a book on whales
He's a thoughtfull man
Rememers your birthday
Says God bless you when you sneeze
But there's a problem
It's not your average problem
But it's a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
He'll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda
He's a friendly guy
He waves to all the joggers
Children use his backyard as a short-cut
He's a real sweet guy
He always recycles
Referees the Junior High basketball for no pay
He's a great, great man
He'll sign your petition
Then proceed to compliment your new haircut
But there's a problem
It's not your average problem
But it's a pretty big problem
His hobby is moyda
His hobby is moyda
South of the boyda
He's wanted for moyda
Here he comes
Hey Larry, how ya doing?
How's the garden coming?
You know, it's interesting
I just read at the library
That you need to rotate the soil
To get real plump, read tomatoes
Oh, and one more thing
My hobby is moyda
Two, three, four
I'm a sick man
My hobby is moyda
My hobby is moyda
I'll eat a hamboyga
Then commit moyda
[Chanting]
I never loiter
After committing the doity deed of moyda
Only Sigmund Freuda
Knows why I cannot and will not stop committing moyda
Murder, murder, murder, murder, murder
The Lonesome Kicker - adam sandler
Me, I'm the Lonesome Kicker
Extra points, field goals at your service
One might think it comes with glory
You might think different after you listen to my story
My helmet is equipped with a tiny face mask
What it possibly could protect, I do not know
The other guys on the team
Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads
And also like to hide the special shoe
I need to kick in the snow
People think it's so easy
To kick a field goal from the 30 yard line
They forget to add seven yards for the snap
And 10 more 'cause the goal posts are pushed way back
In 1974, the uprights were right on the goal line
But some of the players were running into them
And getting hurt
So screw the kicker
Who cares about the kicker?
But I kick that ball
And I pray it goes straight
If it does
The coach says "Good job, number 8"
He doesn't even know my name is
Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr.
But that's the life I live
The Lonesome Kicker
Kickoffs can be so very scary
Especially, if the returner breaks on through
And I'm the only guy on the playing field left to tackle him
I don't want to get hurt
So I pretend to tie my shoe
Once again, I'm ignored by my teammates and all my coaches
"Go back where you came from!"
Scream 70,000 fans
Well, I know I could win their love back
By catching a winning touch-down
But, unfortunately, I was born with these very small hands
And I hope that the cameras don't come in too close
'Cause they might see the tears in my eyes
As I sit on this bench made of cold-hearted wood
And the splinters go deep in my thighs
And the towel boy snickers as he walks by
The Lonesome Kicker
Another blocked kick
And everybody blames me
But it was the Left Guard
Who didn't pick up his man
Oh, why can't they see...
In my home country
I could have been a minor league soccer player
But I came to America
Seeking fortune and seeking fame
I didn't realize that if I shanked one
And blew the point spread
Some drunk guys would push me into their hibachi
After the game
So I go home at night
'Cause I never get invited
To go drinking with the other guys
And I sit in my chair, and I soak my foot
As I eat a plate of cold french fries
And my wife's out with her quote-unquote friend
And my son can't look me in the eyes
But that's the life I live
The Lonesome Kicker
Kicking for you
They took my snow shoe
They're going for two
Extra points, field goals at your service
One might think it comes with glory
You might think different after you listen to my story
My helmet is equipped with a tiny face mask
What it possibly could protect, I do not know
The other guys on the team
Like to make fun of my little shoulder pads
And also like to hide the special shoe
I need to kick in the snow
People think it's so easy
To kick a field goal from the 30 yard line
They forget to add seven yards for the snap
And 10 more 'cause the goal posts are pushed way back
In 1974, the uprights were right on the goal line
But some of the players were running into them
And getting hurt
So screw the kicker
Who cares about the kicker?
But I kick that ball
And I pray it goes straight
If it does
The coach says "Good job, number 8"
He doesn't even know my name is
Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr.
But that's the life I live
The Lonesome Kicker
Kickoffs can be so very scary
Especially, if the returner breaks on through
And I'm the only guy on the playing field left to tackle him
I don't want to get hurt
So I pretend to tie my shoe
Once again, I'm ignored by my teammates and all my coaches
"Go back where you came from!"
Scream 70,000 fans
Well, I know I could win their love back
By catching a winning touch-down
But, unfortunately, I was born with these very small hands
And I hope that the cameras don't come in too close
'Cause they might see the tears in my eyes
As I sit on this bench made of cold-hearted wood
And the splinters go deep in my thighs
And the towel boy snickers as he walks by
The Lonesome Kicker
Another blocked kick
And everybody blames me
But it was the Left Guard
Who didn't pick up his man
Oh, why can't they see...
In my home country
I could have been a minor league soccer player
But I came to America
Seeking fortune and seeking fame
I didn't realize that if I shanked one
And blew the point spread
Some drunk guys would push me into their hibachi
After the game
So I go home at night
'Cause I never get invited
To go drinking with the other guys
And I sit in my chair, and I soak my foot
As I eat a plate of cold french fries
And my wife's out with her quote-unquote friend
And my son can't look me in the eyes
But that's the life I live
The Lonesome Kicker
Kicking for you
They took my snow shoe
They're going for two
Bad Boyfriend - adam sandler
Why don't you pick up after your done?
I'm not your slave
I'm not your mother
I'm not your maid
I mean I've got a life too
So fuck you!
Why can't you be nicer to my friend?
They're gonna be here soon
Last time they were here
You just sat in the bedroom
Friday you went out with your fat friend Lou
Fuck you!
Why don't you ever ask about my Chinese cooking class?
I only took it 'cause you like moo shu
Fuck you!
I'm sorry honey, about the way I've been acting lately
Fuck you!
Don't be like that, we'll visit your mom when I get some time off
Fuck you!
I had the beer at work, for God's sake
Fuck you!
By the way, would it be cool to go golfing tommorrow?
Fuck you!
I was just kidding, I wanna hang out with you
Why don't you ever take me to a play?
Or a museum?
There's an art gallery two blocks away
And we've never been there
We always do what you wanna do
Fuck you!
You didn't notice
I got new throw pillows for the sofa
You didn't notice I had the kitched painted blue
Why don't you notice all those guys looking at me?
You take me for granted
Do you know there's a guy at work that always asks me out to lunch?
I always try to look my best and you should too
Fuck you!
Why won't I ever get out of this relationship?
You're such a jerk
The only thing you do right is
Tell me that you love me
Well, I guess I love you too
But fuck you!
Seriously
I'm not your slave
I'm not your mother
I'm not your maid
I mean I've got a life too
So fuck you!
Why can't you be nicer to my friend?
They're gonna be here soon
Last time they were here
You just sat in the bedroom
Friday you went out with your fat friend Lou
Fuck you!
Why don't you ever ask about my Chinese cooking class?
I only took it 'cause you like moo shu
Fuck you!
I'm sorry honey, about the way I've been acting lately
Fuck you!
Don't be like that, we'll visit your mom when I get some time off
Fuck you!
I had the beer at work, for God's sake
Fuck you!
By the way, would it be cool to go golfing tommorrow?
Fuck you!
I was just kidding, I wanna hang out with you
Why don't you ever take me to a play?
Or a museum?
There's an art gallery two blocks away
And we've never been there
We always do what you wanna do
Fuck you!
You didn't notice
I got new throw pillows for the sofa
You didn't notice I had the kitched painted blue
Why don't you notice all those guys looking at me?
You take me for granted
Do you know there's a guy at work that always asks me out to lunch?
I always try to look my best and you should too
Fuck you!
Why won't I ever get out of this relationship?
You're such a jerk
The only thing you do right is
Tell me that you love me
Well, I guess I love you too
But fuck you!
Seriously
Pickin' Daisies adam sandler
6 What's the matter honey, are you not feeling well?
It's okay, Momma will take care of you
Not really sick, but don't you know I still say I am
Dad just mumbles, "There goes my girlie son acting up again"
How could you be my kid
Mom knows I'm faking it
But she understands what'll happen if I go
The last four days
The tough guys have been on a roll
They show him no mercy
Plenty of name calling
And pushing my head in the toilet bowl
They call him a loser
But they won't get their hands on me today
'Cuz home with Momma is where I'm gonna stay
We're pickin' daisies
Who cares about them anyway
Pickin' daisies
They'll all be working for you someday
Pickin' daisies
They're just jealous of you
Pickin' daisies
Next year you'll go to private school
Can't play sports or games
I'm only really good at reading
He can't catch a football
Apparently that's not too cool
That's why my nose is usually bleeding
Plus they give him fat lips
At this time yesterday, my underwear was over my head
But I'll be safe today, I know 'cuz Momma said
We're pickin' daisies
Who really cares what they think
Pickin' daisies
You should talk about it with your shrink
Pickin' daisies
They'll all end up in jail
Pickin' daisies
Marshall's is having a sale
I know tommorrow it'll all start up again
He'll be greeted with a head-lock
And all I can do is sit and pray for the weekend
But I know when I'm older
I'll look back and laugh
At all those kids who pulled my pants down
And took that photograph
'Cuz we'll be through with kickball
We'll all be weak and slow
But I will be the only one
With a magic place to go
Pickin' daisies
You're better off in the end
Pickin' daisies
Who cares, I'll be your friend
Pickin' daisies
You can always count on me
Pickin' daisies
I made you some iced tea
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
You are too very handsome, just not in a traditional way
When I was a kid, we didn't have video games, we had pinball, but I could learn
Well, they're just upset that they don't have earmuffs
You can come to aerobics class with me and wathc, all the ladies love you
Who needs brand name shirts? Yours is the same thing without a fancy tag
Why don't you go to sleep? And when you wake up, then I'll play you the Eddie Fisher record
It's okay, Momma will take care of you
Not really sick, but don't you know I still say I am
Dad just mumbles, "There goes my girlie son acting up again"
How could you be my kid
Mom knows I'm faking it
But she understands what'll happen if I go
The last four days
The tough guys have been on a roll
They show him no mercy
Plenty of name calling
And pushing my head in the toilet bowl
They call him a loser
But they won't get their hands on me today
'Cuz home with Momma is where I'm gonna stay
We're pickin' daisies
Who cares about them anyway
Pickin' daisies
They'll all be working for you someday
Pickin' daisies
They're just jealous of you
Pickin' daisies
Next year you'll go to private school
Can't play sports or games
I'm only really good at reading
He can't catch a football
Apparently that's not too cool
That's why my nose is usually bleeding
Plus they give him fat lips
At this time yesterday, my underwear was over my head
But I'll be safe today, I know 'cuz Momma said
We're pickin' daisies
Who really cares what they think
Pickin' daisies
You should talk about it with your shrink
Pickin' daisies
They'll all end up in jail
Pickin' daisies
Marshall's is having a sale
I know tommorrow it'll all start up again
He'll be greeted with a head-lock
And all I can do is sit and pray for the weekend
But I know when I'm older
I'll look back and laugh
At all those kids who pulled my pants down
And took that photograph
'Cuz we'll be through with kickball
We'll all be weak and slow
But I will be the only one
With a magic place to go
Pickin' daisies
You're better off in the end
Pickin' daisies
Who cares, I'll be your friend
Pickin' daisies
You can always count on me
Pickin' daisies
I made you some iced tea
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
Dasies
Pickin' daisies
You are too very handsome, just not in a traditional way
When I was a kid, we didn't have video games, we had pinball, but I could learn
Well, they're just upset that they don't have earmuffs
You can come to aerobics class with me and wathc, all the ladies love you
Who needs brand name shirts? Yours is the same thing without a fancy tag
Why don't you go to sleep? And when you wake up, then I'll play you the Eddie Fisher record
Cordurory Blues - adam sandler
When I was a boy
There was no limit to what I could eat
Shake after shake after shake after shake
Followed by all kinds of red meat
Metabolism runnin' around so fast
My body never gained to weight
That pissed off all my Momma's friends
And made my big-boned sister irate
But now I'm a man
And all that frolicking has caused my ego to hurt
'Cause even when I'm in the shower alone
I'm to embarrassed to remove my shirt
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them cookies I been munching lately
My feet are becoming difficult to see
I believe it was my Daddy
Who led me to this eating disease
By calling me "The Little Candy Ass"
When I couldn't finish a burger with cheese
Or maybe it was my Momma
Who got me addicted to all the wrong foods
Only when I gobbled down every chicken cutlet
Would I get to see Momma's good moods
They said eat this, they said eat that
To stay skinny there was no chance
And now when I walk I hear corduroy
Even though I ain't wearing pants
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
You fat fuck, You fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
You fat fuck, You fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all that ice cream I been eating lately
My chins alone weight 203
The diet starts tomorrow!
I have a grapefruit for breakfast
For lunch a bowl of white rice
Dinnertime it's a saltless potato
I ain't allowed no spice
If this diet's gonna work
Tonight I can't eat no more
"Just go to sleep," I say to myself
As I close the bedroom door
Two in the morning, I wake up to piss
My belly's hungry and achin'
Tiptoe to the kitchen, fuck the diet
Bring on the chips flavored with bacon
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them crumb-cakes I been eating lately
There was no limit to what I could eat
Shake after shake after shake after shake
Followed by all kinds of red meat
Metabolism runnin' around so fast
My body never gained to weight
That pissed off all my Momma's friends
And made my big-boned sister irate
But now I'm a man
And all that frolicking has caused my ego to hurt
'Cause even when I'm in the shower alone
I'm to embarrassed to remove my shirt
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them cookies I been munching lately
My feet are becoming difficult to see
I believe it was my Daddy
Who led me to this eating disease
By calling me "The Little Candy Ass"
When I couldn't finish a burger with cheese
Or maybe it was my Momma
Who got me addicted to all the wrong foods
Only when I gobbled down every chicken cutlet
Would I get to see Momma's good moods
They said eat this, they said eat that
To stay skinny there was no chance
And now when I walk I hear corduroy
Even though I ain't wearing pants
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
You fat fuck, You fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
You fat fuck, You fat fuck
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all that ice cream I been eating lately
My chins alone weight 203
The diet starts tomorrow!
I have a grapefruit for breakfast
For lunch a bowl of white rice
Dinnertime it's a saltless potato
I ain't allowed no spice
If this diet's gonna work
Tonight I can't eat no more
"Just go to sleep," I say to myself
As I close the bedroom door
Two in the morning, I wake up to piss
My belly's hungry and achin'
Tiptoe to the kitchen, fuck the diet
Bring on the chips flavored with bacon
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
What made a millionaire out of Mr. Frito-Lay
Made a fat mother fucker outta me
And all them crumb-cakes I been eating lately
Listenin' To The Radio - adam sandler
Where's my Peggy Sue?
I could use a Rosalita
If there's a Long Tall Sally out there
I'm dyin' to meet her
Why can't I hear Beth callin' me?
Why can't I be the one to make Sara smile?
I wish I was arm in arm with Jean genie
Walkin' down the aisle
Oh yeah, all right
But I got no Mary Jane
There's no Sloopy or Dancin' Queen
I'm just a fool in the rain
Waitin' on my Billie Jean
I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-O
A devil in a dress of blue
A Rosanna, Diana, a sweet Caroline
I'd even take a Run-Around Sue
Oh yeah, all right
Well, I never got to scream for a Layla
I never saw Mary-Anne walkin' away
I never danced on the sand with a Rio
Or woke up with a Maggie May
I dialed 867-5309
But there was no Jenny Jenny
Oh, why can't I get myself a brown-eyed girl
When Willie Nelson loved so many?
And why does Jack have Diane?
And why does Billy Joe have Bobbie Sue?
And everybody had Roxanne
Except you-know-who
I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-O
A devil in a dress of blue
A Rosanna, Diana, a sweet Caroline
I'd even take a Run-Around Sue
Well I'd take any ol' Suzy Q
I got no reason to be picky
She can be a Goody-Goody-Two-Shoes
Or she can be my Darling Nikki
Oh, Brandy would be such a fine girl
And so would the sweet Judy Blue
I guess I sound just like that other fella
'Cause you know I wish I had Jessie's girl too
Oh yeah, all right
Well, I'd die for a kiss from Allison
Even though I know she'd break my heart
Or give me a Lo-lo-lo-lola
Minus the extra part
I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-O
A devil in a dress of blue
A Rosanna, Diana, a sweet Caroline
I'd even take a Run-Around Sue
You know I'd even take a Run-Around Sue
Well, I'd even take a Run-Around Sue
Oh yeah, all right
I could use a Rosalita
If there's a Long Tall Sally out there
I'm dyin' to meet her
Why can't I hear Beth callin' me?
Why can't I be the one to make Sara smile?
I wish I was arm in arm with Jean genie
Walkin' down the aisle
Oh yeah, all right
But I got no Mary Jane
There's no Sloopy or Dancin' Queen
I'm just a fool in the rain
Waitin' on my Billie Jean
I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-O
A devil in a dress of blue
A Rosanna, Diana, a sweet Caroline
I'd even take a Run-Around Sue
Oh yeah, all right
Well, I never got to scream for a Layla
I never saw Mary-Anne walkin' away
I never danced on the sand with a Rio
Or woke up with a Maggie May
I dialed 867-5309
But there was no Jenny Jenny
Oh, why can't I get myself a brown-eyed girl
When Willie Nelson loved so many?
And why does Jack have Diane?
And why does Billy Joe have Bobbie Sue?
And everybody had Roxanne
Except you-know-who
I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-O
A devil in a dress of blue
A Rosanna, Diana, a sweet Caroline
I'd even take a Run-Around Sue
Well I'd take any ol' Suzy Q
I got no reason to be picky
She can be a Goody-Goody-Two-Shoes
Or she can be my Darling Nikki
Oh, Brandy would be such a fine girl
And so would the sweet Judy Blue
I guess I sound just like that other fella
'Cause you know I wish I had Jessie's girl too
Oh yeah, all right
Well, I'd die for a kiss from Allison
Even though I know she'd break my heart
Or give me a Lo-lo-lo-lola
Minus the extra part
I want an Angie, a Mandy, a Candy-O
A devil in a dress of blue
A Rosanna, Diana, a sweet Caroline
I'd even take a Run-Around Sue
You know I'd even take a Run-Around Sue
Well, I'd even take a Run-Around Sue
Oh yeah, all right
Sweat Beatrice - adam sandler
Hanging with my sweet amour
She came out with a lion's roar
Yelling, "I'm going to the corner store,
Be back at quarter to four"
"Don't slam your pinkies in the drawer"
She can be like a maiden from the days of yore
Hanging out at Studio 54
Break dancing on the slick brick disco floor
With Lionel Richie
Who, by the way, was a Commodore
One time she gave mouth-to-mouth to a snaggle tooth boar
Who couldn't breat right since the Vietnam War
Then she played Chinese Checkers with Skeletor
And went camping with Eva Gabor
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she's coming home
I got a picture of her down by the seashore
Wearing a bikini made of purple velour
Her hair's up like Conway Twitty's pompadour
With the smile of Guy LeFleur
She got the ups and downs like an elevator
But deep inside she's a marshmellow smore
Can bake a cake as big as Jupitor
Either or, Neithor nor
She'll share it with your Labrador
She can run faster than a blazing meteor
Loves Winnie the Pooh and his friend Eeyore
Can make a pipe out of an apple core
That's a trick she learned from Roberto Parrish
Down in Ecuador
You know why?
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she's coming home
Well, for sure she opened the door
Whipped out a 3-ft fishing lure
Sexually, that made me insecure
Like the time I was a roadie
On Elton John's tour
She said, "Let's go catch some Piscatore!"
I said, "Beatrice, you don't eat fish no more."
She said, "By God, you're right!"
So we took ourselves a snore
And when we woke up 10 hours later
We made Love Du Jour
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she came home
She likes to clean out the attic every now and then
She's gonna knit me a brand new golfing bag
We gonna watch ourselves a John Wayne movie
Then we gonna free all the doggies at the kennel
She gonna try on my third grade mittens
She'll keep 'em on even though they're way too small
Well, she ain't never gonna hurt me
She ain't never gonna let me down
She ain't never gonna tell nobody
I'm afraid of birds and spiders
Well, Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
And she loves Pat Summerall
She came out with a lion's roar
Yelling, "I'm going to the corner store,
Be back at quarter to four"
"Don't slam your pinkies in the drawer"
She can be like a maiden from the days of yore
Hanging out at Studio 54
Break dancing on the slick brick disco floor
With Lionel Richie
Who, by the way, was a Commodore
One time she gave mouth-to-mouth to a snaggle tooth boar
Who couldn't breat right since the Vietnam War
Then she played Chinese Checkers with Skeletor
And went camping with Eva Gabor
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she's coming home
I got a picture of her down by the seashore
Wearing a bikini made of purple velour
Her hair's up like Conway Twitty's pompadour
With the smile of Guy LeFleur
She got the ups and downs like an elevator
But deep inside she's a marshmellow smore
Can bake a cake as big as Jupitor
Either or, Neithor nor
She'll share it with your Labrador
She can run faster than a blazing meteor
Loves Winnie the Pooh and his friend Eeyore
Can make a pipe out of an apple core
That's a trick she learned from Roberto Parrish
Down in Ecuador
You know why?
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she's coming home
Well, for sure she opened the door
Whipped out a 3-ft fishing lure
Sexually, that made me insecure
Like the time I was a roadie
On Elton John's tour
She said, "Let's go catch some Piscatore!"
I said, "Beatrice, you don't eat fish no more."
She said, "By God, you're right!"
So we took ourselves a snore
And when we woke up 10 hours later
We made Love Du Jour
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
She's my sweet Beatrice
And she came home
She likes to clean out the attic every now and then
She's gonna knit me a brand new golfing bag
We gonna watch ourselves a John Wayne movie
Then we gonna free all the doggies at the kennel
She gonna try on my third grade mittens
She'll keep 'em on even though they're way too small
Well, she ain't never gonna hurt me
She ain't never gonna let me down
She ain't never gonna tell nobody
I'm afraid of birds and spiders
Well, Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
Bea-bea-bea-beatrice
And she loves Pat Summerall
Dancin' And Pantsin - adam sandler
When I was a young man
I didn't like to dance
I was shy
I'd stand against the wall all night
I'd never take a chance
So afraid
I wouldn't get on that dance floor
Unless I was really drunk
10 shots
But I found a place where the stars hang out
And they taught me how to funk
Real nasty
It ain't too far away
It's just on the edge of town
Nearby
But be ready when you get there
'Cause these folks don't fuck around
You can
Rub your belly with Liza Minelli
Covered in jelly, you're gonna rub your belly
Jiggle your droopy balls with singin' Lou Rawis
Bounce off the walls, then jiggle them droopy balls
Grind your hips with the blond guy from CHIPS
Lick your lips
Stroke it clean with Martin Sheen
It's fucking obscense
Clench your ass-cheeks tight with sexy grandma Betty White
You'll see the light when your sphincter's tight
If you don't know how to move
Just feel the groove
And dance
Like you just shit your pants
Spin like a little girl
With cross-dressing Milton Berle
Just give it a whirl, pretend you're a little girl
Wave that juicy weeno with legendary Al Pacino
Wave your weeno, even more obsceno
Knock back a drink with Colonel Klink
Piss in the sink
Bounce your beef with Omar Sharif
What a relief
Ring the disco bell with ice cream wizard Tommy Carvel
Tommy Carvel gonna make your dink swell
Then spew all over the room
With Mr. Jeffry Goldblum
And dance
Like you just shit your pants
Mr. Belvedere
Fatty Fatty
Finger in his own rear
Bernard King
Basketball, basketball
Showing off his ding-a-ling
Swimming Mark Spitz
Moustache, moustache
Playing with his hairy tits
Big Earl Weaver, Tommy Seaver
Both of them got the boogie fever
Shit your pants
You can
Do the hustle with seven-footer Billy Russell
Do the fucking hustle, jerking your love muscle
Shake your big, round ass with the ghost of Mama Cass
Blast from the past, the ghost of Mama Cass
Dry-hump the floor with Mary Tyler-Moore
Pump it sore
Squeeze your nipple like baldy Mr. Whipple
Drink some Ripple
Give it a hearty whack with TV great Victor Tayback
When you give it a whack, don't hurt the nut-sack
So if the thought of grooving is bringing you down
Come to the funkiest place in town
The stars will show you how to move
And dance
Like you just shit your pants
I didn't like to dance
I was shy
I'd stand against the wall all night
I'd never take a chance
So afraid
I wouldn't get on that dance floor
Unless I was really drunk
10 shots
But I found a place where the stars hang out
And they taught me how to funk
Real nasty
It ain't too far away
It's just on the edge of town
Nearby
But be ready when you get there
'Cause these folks don't fuck around
You can
Rub your belly with Liza Minelli
Covered in jelly, you're gonna rub your belly
Jiggle your droopy balls with singin' Lou Rawis
Bounce off the walls, then jiggle them droopy balls
Grind your hips with the blond guy from CHIPS
Lick your lips
Stroke it clean with Martin Sheen
It's fucking obscense
Clench your ass-cheeks tight with sexy grandma Betty White
You'll see the light when your sphincter's tight
If you don't know how to move
Just feel the groove
And dance
Like you just shit your pants
Spin like a little girl
With cross-dressing Milton Berle
Just give it a whirl, pretend you're a little girl
Wave that juicy weeno with legendary Al Pacino
Wave your weeno, even more obsceno
Knock back a drink with Colonel Klink
Piss in the sink
Bounce your beef with Omar Sharif
What a relief
Ring the disco bell with ice cream wizard Tommy Carvel
Tommy Carvel gonna make your dink swell
Then spew all over the room
With Mr. Jeffry Goldblum
And dance
Like you just shit your pants
Mr. Belvedere
Fatty Fatty
Finger in his own rear
Bernard King
Basketball, basketball
Showing off his ding-a-ling
Swimming Mark Spitz
Moustache, moustache
Playing with his hairy tits
Big Earl Weaver, Tommy Seaver
Both of them got the boogie fever
Shit your pants
You can
Do the hustle with seven-footer Billy Russell
Do the fucking hustle, jerking your love muscle
Shake your big, round ass with the ghost of Mama Cass
Blast from the past, the ghost of Mama Cass
Dry-hump the floor with Mary Tyler-Moore
Pump it sore
Squeeze your nipple like baldy Mr. Whipple
Drink some Ripple
Give it a hearty whack with TV great Victor Tayback
When you give it a whack, don't hurt the nut-sack
So if the thought of grooving is bringing you down
Come to the funkiest place in town
The stars will show you how to move
And dance
Like you just shit your pants
Zittly Van Zittles - adam sandler
Well, I had myself a girlfrield
For almost two whole years
We had no secrets
We had no fears
There was nothing we wouldn't do
When we were in the sack
She'd even pop the zit on my back
But one night I was out cheating
After I drank a few
She caught me red handed
And said we're through
Now she's got a new boyfriend
It nearly gave me a heart attack
'Cuz who's gonna pop this zit on my back?
Well I got a pimple and I don't know why
It keeps growing in the same place
I can't reach it with my left or right hand
I wish it was on my face
It's four days old
And it hurts so bad
But it's ready for a squeeze
Won't somebody pop it for me please?
I'll give you ten dollars
If you're a girl in this lonely world
And you're looking for a guy
I'll never cheat again, I promise
That's no lie
There's only one thing I ask of you
Could we name our first child Zak?
Oh, one more thing
Please pop this zit on my back
I'm dying here!
A pimple ay-hee
A pop-a-doodly-doo
Squirt heedly-hoo
Well I'm sitting alone by the phone
And no one seems to call
I try to scrape my zit off on the kitchen wall
Well that don't work, so I look around
And find a big shiny thumb-tack
Put it on the floor, lay down
Pop the zit on my back
For almost two whole years
We had no secrets
We had no fears
There was nothing we wouldn't do
When we were in the sack
She'd even pop the zit on my back
But one night I was out cheating
After I drank a few
She caught me red handed
And said we're through
Now she's got a new boyfriend
It nearly gave me a heart attack
'Cuz who's gonna pop this zit on my back?
Well I got a pimple and I don't know why
It keeps growing in the same place
I can't reach it with my left or right hand
I wish it was on my face
It's four days old
And it hurts so bad
But it's ready for a squeeze
Won't somebody pop it for me please?
I'll give you ten dollars
If you're a girl in this lonely world
And you're looking for a guy
I'll never cheat again, I promise
That's no lie
There's only one thing I ask of you
Could we name our first child Zak?
Oh, one more thing
Please pop this zit on my back
I'm dying here!
A pimple ay-hee
A pop-a-doodly-doo
Squirt heedly-hoo
Well I'm sitting alone by the phone
And no one seems to call
I try to scrape my zit off on the kitchen wall
Well that don't work, so I look around
And find a big shiny thumb-tack
Put it on the floor, lay down
Pop the zit on my back
Four Years Old - adam sandler
Hey
Why'd you wake me from my nap?
I'm not in the mood
To play your games
Or sit on your lap
You
Where's my Yankees drinking glass?
I want some juice
And I want it now
So you better move your ass
And feel bad for me
'Cuz I'm just getting over a cold
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
Somebody better tie my shoes!
Now
I run down the hall
I scream and I yell
And I cry 'cuz I fell
Bring the rubbing alcohol
Outside
I get mud on my shoe
I come back in the house
I get it on the rug
The cleanging's up to you
And I won't take a bath
Unless you make me Spaghetti-O's
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
Mommy reads to me at night
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Well
I can't have a job
And I can't go to school
If no grownups are around
I can't go near the pool
I'm not alowed to climb
My neighbor's apple tree
I'm not allowed to sit
Too close to the TV
I don't know how to drive
And I don't know how to spell
But if I hear my brother cursing
I do know how to tell
'Cuz he made me eat some bread
That was covered in mold
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I just threw up on my grandmother
Why'd you wake me from my nap?
I'm not in the mood
To play your games
Or sit on your lap
You
Where's my Yankees drinking glass?
I want some juice
And I want it now
So you better move your ass
And feel bad for me
'Cuz I'm just getting over a cold
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
Somebody better tie my shoes!
Now
I run down the hall
I scream and I yell
And I cry 'cuz I fell
Bring the rubbing alcohol
Outside
I get mud on my shoe
I come back in the house
I get it on the rug
The cleanging's up to you
And I won't take a bath
Unless you make me Spaghetti-O's
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
Mommy reads to me at night
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Well
I can't have a job
And I can't go to school
If no grownups are around
I can't go near the pool
I'm not alowed to climb
My neighbor's apple tree
I'm not allowed to sit
Too close to the TV
I don't know how to drive
And I don't know how to spell
But if I hear my brother cursing
I do know how to tell
'Cuz he made me eat some bread
That was covered in mold
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I'm four years old!
I just threw up on my grandmother
Voodoo - adam sandler
Hey there Mr. Leaf Blower Man
Keep it down for goodness sake
It's way too early in the morning
Can't you please use your wooden rake?
You choose to ignore I
Even though me hungover
That's not being nice
So tonight, your head will be covered in lice
Voodoo spell on you
Voodoo Voodoo
You shouldn't have given that dirty stare
Voodoo Voodoo
Too late for sorry, go cut off your hair
Hey there old, old woman
Shopping for food at the store
Why'd you run your cart into I
And knock me eggs on the floor
Then took the last unbruised cantelope
And laughed so loud with glee
But you won't be laughing
'Cuz from now on it'll burn when you pee
Voodoo spell on you
Voodoo Voodoo
You couldn't have made I any madder
Voodoo Voodoo
That's why I put a curse on your bladder
Boodaloo Boodalay
Boodalee Boodalie
Are the words that he say
When you fuck with I
Voodoo
Hey there Mr. State Trooper
Me was only going 58
Please don't you write up that ticket
It'll ruin me insurance rate
You say you have a quota to meet
So straight to hell with I
Me have only one response
Boodalee Boodalie
Voodoo spell on you
Voodoo Voodoo
You cost I 80 dollars cash
Voodoo Voodoo
Me hope you like your new skin rash
Keep it down for goodness sake
It's way too early in the morning
Can't you please use your wooden rake?
You choose to ignore I
Even though me hungover
That's not being nice
So tonight, your head will be covered in lice
Voodoo spell on you
Voodoo Voodoo
You shouldn't have given that dirty stare
Voodoo Voodoo
Too late for sorry, go cut off your hair
Hey there old, old woman
Shopping for food at the store
Why'd you run your cart into I
And knock me eggs on the floor
Then took the last unbruised cantelope
And laughed so loud with glee
But you won't be laughing
'Cuz from now on it'll burn when you pee
Voodoo spell on you
Voodoo Voodoo
You couldn't have made I any madder
Voodoo Voodoo
That's why I put a curse on your bladder
Boodaloo Boodalay
Boodalee Boodalie
Are the words that he say
When you fuck with I
Voodoo
Hey there Mr. State Trooper
Me was only going 58
Please don't you write up that ticket
It'll ruin me insurance rate
You say you have a quota to meet
So straight to hell with I
Me have only one response
Boodalee Boodalie
Voodoo spell on you
Voodoo Voodoo
You cost I 80 dollars cash
Voodoo Voodoo
Me hope you like your new skin rash
The Respect Chant - adam sandler
Respect
Respect
You gotta show the fucking respect
[Repeat Over And Over]
Respect
You gotta show the fucking respect
[Repeat Over And Over]
The Goat Song - adam sandler
I am a simple goat
I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The Old Man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
Am I happy he don't give a fuck
He's filled with anger, and filled with rage
And tells me I smell like piss
His drink, Jimmy Bean
His chaser, a bear
After that, various alcohols
That's when the beatings get so severe
Asleep I pray he falls
But don't feel sorry for me
Things weren't always this bad
Why, when I was a young talking goat
The Old Man was just like my dad
I come from the hills of Europe
That's where I met the Old Man
He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can
Then he stopped in his tracks
And he said, "Hey Goat!
Would you like to live with me?
I've got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across the sea"
I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family
You seem like a nice guy"
So we went off to America
The home of the apple pie
On the boat, the Old Man told me
I would be a present for his wife
"A talking goat!" he exclaimed,
"She'd never seen this in her life"
I felt so special!
Well, I just couldn't believe it
After all theses years I finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard
He scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end
But when we got to his house
There was no wife
Only a short, short letter
It said: "I'm leaving you for your broher
Because he fucks me better"
His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grief
To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
And beat me like a side of beef
I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe!"
He just shook his head and said, "Nope!
No one will ever leave me again
To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope."
Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
My only friend is the AM radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw
At first they're excited to see a talking goat
They gather around to hear what I have to say
But I guess sometimes my stories go ont too long
So they leave and giggle I need a bidet
But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck
When the Old Man was passed out drunk
Three neightborhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert
The kind of music, old-school funk
It was the first time I got off the truck
The music made me lose control
The lead singer asked if we were having fun
I said, "Fucking crank that rock 'n roll!"
The women at the show were beautiful
As they danced sexily on the soft grass
One of them even petted my fur
Fuck me in the goat-ass!
Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
And threw me in the mosh pit
They passed me around and treated me nie
Till I nerviously sprayed them with shit
Then the music stopped
And everything was quite
And all the rock 'n rollers started a fucking goat-riot
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
They chased me under the bleachers
They chased me onto the street
They chased me into an alley
And said I was a dead fucking goat meat
But then I saw a sight
That I never thought I'd see
The Old Man swinging his hickory stick
But he wasn't swinging at me
"Fuck you, pot-smoking turkeys!
Don't you press your luck!"
The long hairs ran away screaming
As I scrambled onto the truck
When we got home, the Old Man said,
"Goat, you broke the sacred law
No! Please! Sorry! Shit!
I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again
I'll break your fucking jaw!"
Super! Great! Okay!
"Thank you Old Man, for saving my life
Thank you again and again
You could have let them barbeque me,
But you acted like a friend"
"I'm not your friend, I don't even like you
I'm just not drunk," he said
To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol
And beat the fucking shit out of my tailbone
And I'll probably never walk straight again
I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
A punching bag for the Old Man to mock
Just because his wife left him
For his brother's abnormally large cock
He could have been my buddy
But instead he's a crazy old fuck
And, once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home
The back of the pick-up truck
Goodnight, Old Man!
Yeah, goodnight Goat! a
I live on the back of a pick-up truck
The Old Man tied me here with a 3-foot rope
Am I happy he don't give a fuck
He's filled with anger, and filled with rage
And tells me I smell like piss
His drink, Jimmy Bean
His chaser, a bear
After that, various alcohols
That's when the beatings get so severe
Asleep I pray he falls
But don't feel sorry for me
Things weren't always this bad
Why, when I was a young talking goat
The Old Man was just like my dad
I come from the hills of Europe
That's where I met the Old Man
He was lost in the woods, I gave him directions
He gave me a tuna can
Then he stopped in his tracks
And he said, "Hey Goat!
Would you like to live with me?
I've got a house with a pick-up truck
In a place across the sea"
I said, "Sure, why not, I've got no family
You seem like a nice guy"
So we went off to America
The home of the apple pie
On the boat, the Old Man told me
I would be a present for his wife
"A talking goat!" he exclaimed,
"She'd never seen this in her life"
I felt so special!
Well, I just couldn't believe it
After all theses years I finally had a friend
He trimmed my beard
He scraped my hooves
I prayed it would never end
But when we got to his house
There was no wife
Only a short, short letter
It said: "I'm leaving you for your broher
Because he fucks me better"
His eyes filled with tears of sadness
His heart was filled with grief
To soothe himself he drank a pint of Old Granddad
And beat me like a side of beef
I screamed, "Send me back to the hills of Europe!"
He just shook his head and said, "Nope!
No one will ever leave me again
To make sure, put on this 3-foot fucking rope."
Present day, I've been on the truck for 51 years
My only friend is the AM radio
Sometimes the neighborhood children stop by
But it's always rocks and beer bottles they throw
At first they're excited to see a talking goat
They gather around to hear what I have to say
But I guess sometimes my stories go ont too long
So they leave and giggle I need a bidet
But you know there was a night that I did get off the truck
When the Old Man was passed out drunk
Three neightborhood kids took me to a rock 'n roll concert
The kind of music, old-school funk
It was the first time I got off the truck
The music made me lose control
The lead singer asked if we were having fun
I said, "Fucking crank that rock 'n roll!"
The women at the show were beautiful
As they danced sexily on the soft grass
One of them even petted my fur
Fuck me in the goat-ass!
Then some long-haired guys grabbed me by the horns
And threw me in the mosh pit
They passed me around and treated me nie
Till I nerviously sprayed them with shit
Then the music stopped
And everything was quite
And all the rock 'n rollers started a fucking goat-riot
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
Kill the goat!
They chased me under the bleachers
They chased me onto the street
They chased me into an alley
And said I was a dead fucking goat meat
But then I saw a sight
That I never thought I'd see
The Old Man swinging his hickory stick
But he wasn't swinging at me
"Fuck you, pot-smoking turkeys!
Don't you press your luck!"
The long hairs ran away screaming
As I scrambled onto the truck
When we got home, the Old Man said,
"Goat, you broke the sacred law
No! Please! Sorry! Shit!
I'll let it go this time, but if you leave again
I'll break your fucking jaw!"
Super! Great! Okay!
"Thank you Old Man, for saving my life
Thank you again and again
You could have let them barbeque me,
But you acted like a friend"
"I'm not your friend, I don't even like you
I'm just not drunk," he said
To prove his point, he drank a bottle of grain alcohol
And beat the fucking shit out of my tailbone
And I'll probably never walk straight again
I guess you'd call me a scapegoat
A punching bag for the Old Man to mock
Just because his wife left him
For his brother's abnormally large cock
He could have been my buddy
But instead he's a crazy old fuck
And, once again, I go to sleep in my eternal home
The back of the pick-up truck
Goodnight, Old Man!
Yeah, goodnight Goat! a
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