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The Chanukah Song, Part 3 (Radio Version) lyrics - Adam Sandler

[Drei-Dels:] Put on your yarmulke, it's time for Chanukah...

[Adam:] Sounds good, guys!

[Adam:] Give it up for the Drei-Dels, everybody!

[Drei-Dels:] Once again, it's Chanukah. The miracle of Chanukah!

Chanukah is
the festival of lights.
One day of presents?
Hell no, we get the eight crazy nights! (Oh, boy)
But if you still feel like the only kid in town
without a Christmas tree,
I guess my first two songs didn't do it for ya,
so here comes number three!

Ross and Phoebe from Friends
say the Chanukah blessing,
So does Lenny's pal Squiggy and Will and Grace's Debra Messing!
Melissa Gilbert and Michael Landon never mixed meat with dairy,
Maybe they shoulda called that show
Little Kosher House on the Prairie!
We got Jerry Lewis,
Ben Stiller, and Jack Black,
Tom Arnold converted to Judaism,
but you guys can have him back!

(Just kiddin' Tommy!)

We may not get to kiss
underneath the mistletoe,
But we can do it all night long
with Deuce Bigalow!

[Rob Schneider:] I'm Jewish!

[Adam:] Oh, my God. Sweet Robbie Schneider is here!

[Drei-Dels:] Put on your yarmulke, here comes Chanukah...

[Rob Schneider:] The guy in Willie Nelson's band who plays harmonica celebrates Chanukaaah!

[Adam:] Ah, good job, Schneider!

[Rob:] What are you talkin' about?!?

[Adam:] All right, now.

Osama bin Laden...

[Audience:] BOO!

Not a big fan of the Jews!
Well maybe that's because he lost a figure skating match
to gold medalist Sarah Hughes!

(Her mama's Jewish.)

Houdini and David Blaine escape straightjackets
with such precision,
but one thing they could not get out of...
Their painful circumcision!

Gwyneth Paltrow's half-Jewish,
But a full-time Oscar winner,
Jennifer Connelly's half-Jewish too,
And I'd like to put some more in her! Whoo!
There's Lou Reed, Perry Farrell,
Beck, and Paula Abdul,
Joey Ramone invented punk rock music,
but first came Hebrew school!

Natalie Portmanika
It's time to celebrate Chanukah,
I hope I get an Abtronica
On this joyful, toyful Chanukah,
So get a high colonika
And soil your long-johnnakahs
If you really, really wannakah,
Have a happy, happy, happy, happy,
happy, happy, happy, happy Chanukah!

The Chanukah Song, Part 4 lyrics - Adam Sandler

Put on your yarmulke, here comes Chanukah
So much fun-ukah to celebrate Chanukah

Chanukkah is the Festival of Lights
Instead of one day of presents, we have eight crazy nights

When you feel like the only kid in town without a Christmas tree,
Here’s the fourth list of people who are Jewish, just like Jesus, Olaf, Punky Brewster, Scott Rudin and me!

Joseph Gordon-Levitt enjoys eating kugel
So does Stan Lee, Jake Gyllenhaal, and the two guys who founded Google
Adam Levine wears a Jewish star
So does Drake and Seth Rogen
Goldberg has a gold yarmulke to match the belt he won from Hulk Hogan

We got Scarlett Johansson, talk about a Kosher crush
And if you need a higher voice to turn you on, how about Geddy Lee from Rush?

We may not have a cartoon with a reindeer that can talk
But we also don’t have polio, thanks to Dr. Jonas Salk (smart Jew!)

Put on your yarmulke, it’s time for Chanukah
Harry Potter and his magic wand-ukah, celebrate Chanukah

Jared from Subway: God dammit, a Jew
But guess who’s Jewish and can fix him? "Loveline"’s Dr. Drew (get on it doc!)

Princess Leia cuts the challah with Queen Elsa from "Frozen"
David Beckham is the king of soccer studs and also a quarter chosen

Ron Jeremy is fully Jewish and so is his foot-long buddy
Shia LaBeouf is half a Jew but a 100 percent nutty

It’s cool that Santa Claus makes Christmas so merry
But we get two jolly fat guys: ice cream’s Ben & Jerry (both Jewish!)

From New York to Iran-ukah, get up and celebrate Chanukah

"Shhh...Don't Tell" (2004)

Sid & Alex - adam sandler

[telephone rings]

I'll be up in a few! Hello?

Hey, Sid, it's Alex. Just callin to wish ya a happy birthday, man.

Alex, Alex, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
for remembering, thank you.

My pleasure. Did you do anything fun today?

Nothing special. Amy made lasagna, we had cake, the kids
gave me a tie and some socks, terrific.

That's awesome, man. Hey, I got a gift comin your way too. I
Fedex'ed it so you should probly get it tomorrow.

[Gasp] Thank you, thank you, Alex, thank you. What is it?

It's pretty cool. You'll see tomorrow.

Aww, come on, give me a hint at least. Can I ride it? Can
I eat it?


Can I fuck it?

Ahaha, no.

Can it fuck me?


Is it hairy? Is it something I can shave?


Can it blow me?


Is it something I can blow?


Can I fuck it?

You already asked me that...

If I take it apart, are there individual parts that I can fuck?

I don't think so...

Fair enough... If I sit on it for a while, will I cum?


Is it something Amy can strap on and fuck me with?

Sid! No!

If I get jizz all over it, will it be ruined?

I think...

Does it sweat?


Is it something that can be used like... a pussy?

That's just another way of asking if you can fuck it...

My bad... Does it get big if you touch it?


Does it get hard if you touch it?


If my Amy catches me blowing it, will she be mad?

Look, you can't blow it, man, we already talked about that...

Right, okay... let's say I'm stranded on a desert island with
just this item... am I getting a rim job?


Can I fuck it?

NO, it's a toaster, man, just a toaster!

Oh! So I can fuck it? In fact, two people can fuck it at the
same time! Alex, ya wanna come over and fuck my toaster
this weekend?

Don't mind if i doo doo....

Hahaha, oh, Alex

Hahaha, oh, Sid...

Pibb Goes Surfing - adam sandler

You were cruisin along there, Mr. Pibb

It wasn't too painful a paddle out here to the big waves as you like to call em, Sonny!

Didn't look it

Actually, it was a nice wake-me-up for my laticerace muscles

Water's pretty nice, huh?

Boy, oh boy, the Hawaiin sea's like a warm cup of java!
Temperaturo perfecto as the Africans might say!

Yeah, yeah... So listen to me for a sec, when the set comes in, just stay flat on the board, pointed towards the beach. I'll tell you when to start paddelin, and keep paddelin til the wave grabs you

I hear ya! Let Mother Nature do her duty!

Right on...

Right now!

Yeah, right now...


Then when I say stand up, hop up quick like I showed ya and ride

Affirmative, captain!

But don't go too far right, there's a lot of nasty coral over there

Well here comes a triple overheader right now! Let me tear into that sucker!

I dunno, that's comin awfully steep, Pibb

No steeper than that tsunami I rode back in 1928 on my grandpappy's TV tray! Let's do this!

You're the boss, Pibb... Start paddelin, now!

Will do!

Paddle! Paddle! Paddle!

Paddle, paddle, fiddle faddle! I love it!

Okay, okay, you're in it, baby! Stand up! Stand up, Pibb!

I'm standin! I'm standin! Whoo hoo, I'm up!

Yeah, man! Way to go Pibb!

I'm speedin along here!

[different man] Hey, old man, you better pull out before you hit that reef!

Well, thanks, amigo, but I didn't come out here for no six second ride!

Bail out, Pibb!

Not until I get the tube! Aaaah!!!

[crashing and cracking noises]

[different man from before] Oh, nasty brudda!

Hang on, Pibb, I'll be right there! Oh my God, that was sick!
You okay, Mr. Pibb!?

Is there a doctor in the house? Oooooh!!!

[another wave hits, more cracking and crashing]

The Amazing Willy Wanker - adam sandler

When I was just a little wee lad
I hopped on the lap of my dear old dad
Something jumped and poked me good
'That' he said 'just me morning wood'
A little tin soldier's marchin by
Sergeant major unzips his fly
Pulls his weapon from his camouflage pants
Slaps away til it starts to dance

A shootin star's above my bed
Changin colors of my mushroom head
A rainbow jizz flys across the room
Little white spermies meet their doom

(Ah!) The amazing Willy Wanker!
(Aaaah!) The amazing Willy Wanker!
And my scrotum sack he says
Lalalalalala, tickle me!

Little green men from outer space
Here to exterminate the human race
Drop their ray guns and retreat to their ships
When marshmallow sauce squirts from me tip
Like a knight of olden Camelot
The goo takes off like an arrow shot
Gwynevere drops to her knees and begs
For the spittin dragon between me legs

I'm using my thing for what it's for
Gentle knock upon me door
Mumsy drops her cup of tea
When she sees my wank standing tall and free

(Ah!) The one and only Willy Wanker!
(Aaaaah!) Here comes Willy Wanker!
And my marble sack he says
Lalalalalala, tickle me!

Rasberry scones and marmalade!
Squeezing my squid in the evening shine!
Visions of mermaids in the sky!
Shooting my load in me own left eye!

Gramps was a hero in the first World War
But he ain't got no dick no more
Comes home smokin from the corner pub
Makes poor old Gramsy kiss his nub
The world spins around like a big bass drum
Nanny pops a pinkie in the generals bum
The Irish dance and the Scotsmem howl
Time to clean up with the washroom towel

(Ah, yeah!) It's only Willy Wanker, yeah!
(Ah!) The lonely Willy Wanker!
And my wrinkled sack he says
Lalalalalala, tickle me!

Gay Robot - adam sandler

Pass the fuckin ball!

What an idiot!

Fuck it, I'm gonna go get another beer. You guys want one?


Two Please!

Oh boy...


[phone rings]

Hello?... Yeah, yeah, cool, we're all just hangin out... Alright

Who was that, some chicks?

Nah, it was my neighbor, his robot's comin over


Yeah, he built a robot a while ago and the robot came out gay

Yo, we're out of Hunnyduffers so I grabbed a couple of Gooseheads...

Okay, that's cool...

Wait, so the robot's gay?

Gay Robot's comin over?


Oh, dude, you gotta see this, he's insane with football stats

No way!

[doorbell rings]

It's open!

Hey guys... what's up?

Hey, good to see ya Gay Robot...

Gay Robot in the house!

Word up... what's the score, fuckers?

Giants are eatin shit in the third quarter, it's 24-8 Miami...

Don't worry, the Giants have phenominal fourth quarter numbers...


They'll come back and win by three


I love it!

Fuck you guys!

Sorry, buddy...

Who's the new guy?

Oh, that's my friend John.

Hey John... sweet hat!

Uh... thanks... what's goin on?

You know... just chillin... can I suck your dick?


No, no, no, no, he's okay, Gay Robot...

That was funny...

The Gay Robot gets a little horny cause he doesn't know any
gay guys around here...

Oh, I see...



Oh, I can't believe you dropped that! Do something, Henderson,
you fat fuck!

Hey! That was very offensive to me!

Why? You're not fat...

I thought you said fag!

No, i wouldn't say that, I said fat...

Oh, sorry!


I guess if you fist fuck me, we'll be even!

No, I'm not gay, Gay Robot...

I thought you said you were?

No... You know I never said that...

I know, I was just rousing you! Good times! Good times guys!


Hey, Gay Robot's havin a good time!

So how do you think the Eagles are gonna do this season, Gay Robot?

Let's find out! [whirring, beeping noises] Says here, due to injuries
and irratic weather patterns, the Eagles will finish a dismal 7-9

What? No way!

Deal with it

The Gay Robot knows his shit, man

Now will someone blow it on my face?

Nobody's gay here but you, Gay Robot, so let's just watch some
football, alright?

Look, I'm not here to bring the party down... It's just... I run
on semen... Without it, I could die... Help me to live fellas...
Jerk off in my mouth immediatly... Please, my circuits are
shorting... Starting to fade already... See a light... Going
towards it....


You're makin this up, Gay Robot!

My bad! You got me! Hahaha... good times!


So does he eat food like us... human people?

Yeah, he can eat food...

Ya want some tortilla chips, Gay Robot?

Sounds great, John. Can I dip them in your ass?


I'm all set, thanks


What the fuck?! The reception's all fuzzy!

Are you kidding me?

Don't panic... I can fix it

Oh hey! That's right! I love it, work your robot magic, fix that shit!

Okay, here's the problem!

My man! What is it?

Your cock's not in my asshole!

Aww.... Maybe you should go home and take a cold shower, Gay Robot...

Alright... I'll go... We'll just whack each other off and I'll bail

Not gonna happen



Fuck you

Later Gay Robot

[fly unzips]

Oh no! Look what happened! My robo-cock fell out of my pants!

Oh, shit, he's got a boner!!

Taste it!!!

[spraying sounds]

Oh, oh!!!

Fuckin asshole!!!

Come on, Gay Robot!!!

Aww, man!

Later fags!

[Door opens and closes]

[Distant voices]

Hey Gay Robot

Hey Mr. Chasen... Can I suck your dick?

Pibb Tries The Skateboarding - adam sandler

Alright, Mr. Pibb, those kneepads on tight enough?

Snug as a bug in a rug playin Dig Dug, my friend!

Uh huh...

I'm all set to give this skitchboard a whirl!

Okay, we should really put a helmet
on you first...

Well... helmet has the word 'hell' in it, and I don't know about
you, sonny, but I ain't no sinner...

No, you're not...

When my time comes, I'm on my way to heaven, so I won't
be puttin one of those demon contraptions on my head!

Okay, Pibb... Just remember that the half pipe ain't the easiest
thing to do...

Never mind all that, boy! It's only half the pipe! Let's be concerned
when they got the whole thing here!


Now can we get to the skitchboardin?

Okay, okay... How bout we just get you on the board?

Can do!

Make sure you keep your knees bent...

Can do do!

Good job...

Now how bout a little pushky to get me started?

Okay, but go easy

Hell, this is simple as a pimple!

Yeah, yeah, you're doin pretty good there buddy!

It's quite similar to my youth when I'd sprinkle my brother's
marble collection all over the basement floor, glue a plank to
my feet, and skim around all the live long day!

Is that right?

Oh, how my father detested that sound!

I'm sure...

Ho, ho

Ha, yeah... you better take it down a notch there, Pibb... you're
startin to pick up a little too much speed...

Nonsense, check this out! Whoo, hoo!

You got some air there, Pibb, lookin like a natural!

It's all about the balance, and I'm darn good with that! Just
ask my banker! Hahaha

I'll get right on that...

Say, what's the record for loop-de-loos on one of these things?


Well, ain't you fancy?

Yeah, Tony Hawk did a 900 once, that's two and a half rotations...

Oh, I can stick that!

Don't try that, Pibb....

Here we go!!! Ahhhh!!!!!


Shit! Oh, shit! Are you alright, Mr. Pibb?

Is there a doctor in the house?!

Creepin' On The Mayor - adam sandler

Oh, shit, is that them crazy fucks from across town? They
didn't see me, did they? Fuck it, they headin this way! Damn!
Gotta be somewhere to hide around here! No bushes, no
trees, what the fuck!? I'll just hide my ass in this garbage can!
There we go, safe and sound... No motherfucker's gonna find
me here! Shit, I'll just wash my clothes later!

Where'd you run to, you candy ass motherfucker?
You can hide all you want, but when we find you we still gonna
fuck you up! See you tomorrow, bitch!

No you won't, cause I'm gonna stay in my basement all day...
I sure fooled them stupid fucks, hehehe...

I'll be right there honey! Just let me throw these dirty diapers out!

Okay, baby

Man, they stink! That baby couldn't stop shittin today!

I know, baby

I don't care, baby shit don't mean nothin cause I'm safe and
sound! Shit, no one can fuck with me in this tin can! I'm a
motherfuckin untouchable! Yeah, yeah!

The Mayor Of Pussytown - adam sandler

Yo it's 2004 and all you candy asses thinkin ya'll real pussies
ya'll ain't seen shit yet
eh yo man let em know

Oh yeah, guess who's back
it's the mother fuckin pussy with the little nutsack
don't care about cheddar or the paper chase
i'm a fuckin grown man with zits on my face
a straight up chicken shit
a pansy ass punk
If i'm if i'm guarding your ass it's an automatic slam dunk
while thugs are at the party bustin all ya'lls asses
I'm hidin in the corner wonderin where the fuck's my glasses
Can't afford no rims my
my fuckin dick's so small no bitch can suck it
I don't pop 9's i got weak rhymes
back in 9 duce i got pissed on 10 times
I roll solo i ain't got no clue
i said please don't hit me more than a cow says moo
afraid of heights i'm a-scared in the dark
i walk an extra 3 miles to avoid crazy fucks in the park
denied by the bloods, turned down by the crypts
my fuckin auntie kicked my ass and she got 2 plastic hips
when i step to the club feel free to stare me down
because I just got re-elected the mayor of pussytown


When bangers hit the street i stay home and watch tv
slumped out on the couch so no one can see
unless I hear somebody knockin on my door
then you'll see me crawlin cross the mother fuckin floor
i've been a fuckin coward every day of my life,
that's why I pretend I don't know everyone's banging my wife
i won't sit on the porch, i don't want no trouble
i'm more afraid of goin out than the fuckin boy in a bubble
when the shit goes down i make a break so fast
look like a mother fuckin rocket goin past
searchin for the sneakiest place to hide
straight into the ladies room, ain't got no pride
slippin slidin, runnin hidin
you know damn well it's a scooter i'm ridin
oh no here we go, out come the glocks
i take off so fast i pop out my socks
you gonna fuck with me, i'll cry then run
i called the cops when i got shot with a fuckin squirt gun

He clams up he shuts down
His pants he almost shits
He'll even look the other way if you grab his grandma's tits

well I had a little poodle but neighbor's stoled her
i'd shoot her with an ak but the kick hurts my shoulder
i can't pop no gun and i can't fist fight
hell i'm afraid to take out the fuckin garbage at night
I use the steps in the pool cause i'm terrified to dive
don't fuck with my floaties they's whats keepin me alive, bitch
never drank remy never delt crack
one time I smoked weed i had a panic attack
if you're looking for my dick in the mens locker room
just bring your binoculars with a fuckin super zoom
naw i'm just playin i don't fuckin change in there
the one time I did got my bush sprayed off with nair
but did I stick up for myself no fuckin doubt
i did what i do best, i broke the fuck out
i ain't lookin at you i ain't tryin to front
it's aight with me you called my jimmy a cunt

freakin sneakin crawlin creepin
when the gangs are bangin i'm in the basement sleepin
i'm straight from the streets seen trouble in every side
when the shit hits the fan i throw on a fuckin disguise

fake nose fake wig fake beard
it all worked pretty good
sometimes I just use a map and a funny accent
and pretend I got lost in the hood mother fucker

now all you coward mother fuckers out there
walkin round with your head hangin low
just cause you ate one dick
just know
my man the mayor, had to suck off his whole high school
case closed


Secret - adam sandler

There's something I know
That no one else does
You want me to tell you what it is?
But if I did that then it wouldn't be, a secret

I've gotta move my body tonight, I'm gonna go dancin'
Dreamin' bout the nights at the club, with the fun and romancin'

Mommy sees the look in my eyes, she can tell something's different
Daddy doesn't understand why, but he can tell something's different

I've got a secret, my own little secret
No one knows my secret, cause it's a secret. Secret.

Shhh don't tell, Shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuuu-shhh don't tell

And nobody knows that my bush is cut low as I dance and I sing and I put on a show
And i'm feeling so free, nothing hanging off me while the bass gets stronger, I'm a half an inch longer

And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it
and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
Fuckin and suckin, Fuckin and suckin!

Music if fillin my body from my head to my toes
The DJ gives me a smile, maybe he knows
I hear whisperin from my left to my right, all over the party
i'm the super-star of the night, I did something naughty

I gave myself a haircut, don't tell
I'd like to tell you where but, don't tell
I've got a secret, don't tell
It's my own secret

I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell

And I feel so special and so beautiful
As I reach down and give my new friend a quick pull
I'm scratchy and itchy and a little bit bitchy
and if I find scissors i'd trim my friend Ritchie

And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it
and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin!

I can wear my pants extra low tonight

My secret's gettin out of control, it's burstin out of me
Gotta drop my pants to the floor, so the whole club can see
The special way I trim my curlies, so fuzzy and soft
Cause when my shrub is short and tight my piggie won't get lost

I had a secret, don't tell
But now you know my secret, don't tell
I gave my bush some haircuts, don't tell
To emphasize my bare nuts

I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell
I trimmed my buuuuu-shhh don't tell

And I touch it and rub it and pinch it and squeeze it and tug it and twirl it
and flick it and swirl it, and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin and fuckin and suckin
fuckin and suckin fuckin and suckin!

The Boss And The Secretary - adam sandler


Yes, sir?

I want ya in here right now!

I'll be right in.

Damn straight you'll be right in

What do you need, sir?

What do I need? You know what I need

Uh, no I don't, sir

I want you to come on over here, fish my cock out of these
trousers, and suck on it for a while!

Sir, I don't think I can do something like that!

Oh, you can and you will, bitch! Kneel down, now!

What if someone comes in?

You think I give a flying fuck about that shit? You get over
here and you start suckin it!

Well, alright...

Yeah! Yeah, that's it! Reach in there! Reach in there and get
yourself some candy


Okay, a little lower, though...

Umm... alright...

Little... little lower...


No, to the left!


Damn, bitch, do I gotta do everything? Pull down my pants!

O.. Okay...

Now the tighty whities, pull that shit down too


Watch out now, here it comes! Boing! Now what you think of that?

What do I think of what?

This! My ding-a-ling! Come on, play with the shit a little

Uh, okay...

Lower, baby! Gettin warmer...


Let me pull the fatty rolls apart, spring that shit out for ya

Yeah, that would help

Whoop, there it is!

Haha... What the fuck is that?

Play with the shit


That's right, jack it up and down


Up and down!

Well, it's hard to grab onto!

Keep tryin, you thick fingered bitch! Use your pinkies!

Oh, okay... I'll try that

Yeah, now we got it goin on...


Let me fuck those pinkies...




Keep pressure on the sides of it, baby, keep it sprung! Yeah!
Tell me how much you love it

Ooh, I love it

Tell me it makes you horny

Ooh, I'm gettin real horny

Tell me it's bigger than a Tic Tac

But it isn't!

I don't give a shit if it is or isn't! Say it is!

Alright! Your dick is bigger than a Tic Tac!

Damn right, Tic Tac, cashew, thumbtack, half a grape, it's
bigger than all that shit!

All that shit put together!

Now don't get crazy on me, bitch, let's keep this shit semi-real

Aw, I like a man who shaves down here!

I don't shave that shit, bitch! I'm still waitin on them weeds to
bust out and grow and what not!

What? You mean you haven't reached puberty?

I guess the only way to get you to shutup is to throw a dick in your mouth!


Well, then suck on that shit!

Uh, okay... Mmmm... yeah, I'm suckin... suckin away here

That's a pimple, you dumb twat!


Move your mouth lower!


Oh, oh yeah, now you're on it! You're on it!

I'm on it?

That's it!


Oh, that feels nice!


Oh, hell yeah!

Yeah, there you go!

Oh, oh, shit, fuck, ow!!

What's wrong?

It's caught between your teeth! Get it out! Get it out!

I'm sorry, sir!

Don't be flossin with that shit, you gap-toothed bitch! Be careful!

Look, maybe I should just lick it then, okay?

Do somethin!

Im gonna lick it! Cause I love to lick that thing, okay?


Yeah, baby...


Yeah, you like that, baby?

Oh, yeah!

Whoah, whoah, whoah!!! Somethin just spewed all over my face!

That was the pimple again!

Oh, uh uh...

Let me reiterate. Down. Lower. Bitch!

Okay, you fat fuck!

What's that?

I'm just playin with ya, haha...

Oh, you better be playin! Oh yeah, that's it, now you're on it!

I'm on it?

Oh, oh smoke that roast, bitch...


Whoah, whoah, whoah, whoah, slow down, not so fast!

Oh, okay

I got shit I wanna do to you, woman!

Oh boy...

Time to pull your dress off... You're gonna get fucked!

I don't know, sir, I mean... is that... is that really possible?

Don't give me no lip, bitch! You want me to smack you in the
face with this shit?


"Hahaha" you laughin now? Get the fuckin dress off!

Well, alright, but you have to promise me you're gonna use a condom

You know I can't wear that shit!

I do, I'm just playin! Hahahaha

Condom! You've been watchin too many of those XXX movies,
seein that fake dick shit those actors have hangin off their real dicks

Those aint fake dicks, those are real big dicks!

Bitch, I suppose you think Star Wars is real, too! That they
really got space ships and Chewbaki and all that shit! Stupid,
colorful bitch! Hahahaha!

Alright, my panties are off... You gonna try to fuck me now, or what?

Try? I'm gonna fuck your eyes crossed, you apathetic bitch!
Wham, wham, wham! How you like me now, bitch, how you like me now?

Is it seriously in?

In? You gotta stop fuckin all them rhinos and blue whales! Not
only is it in, but the shit's about to blow! Ooooh! Mmmm...
Hope you're on the pill, bitch, cause I blew that wad all up in ya

I.. I got it, it's right on the end of this hair, here

Shit, yeah, clean yourself up, bitch. There's a beach towel in
my bathroom

I'll just use this Q-tip

Whatever, just do it and get the fuck back to work!

Okay, BB Dick!

What's that?

I'm just playin! Bye!

Shit, what a life I've got... It's good to be Mr. Peter Bodd... Damn good...

Best Friend - adam sandler

When I'm at the bus stop and you drive by in your mom's car
You tell me the bus already left
Cause you're my best friend!
When I'm at the locker and my shirt's buttoned wrong
You tell me to fix it
Cause you're my best friend
Best friends tell you you got boogers on your nose
Best friends don't laugh when you wear your grandpa's clothes
You're my best friend!
When those guys ripped up my ticket for the Mariah Carey show
You told me it wasn't that great
Cause you're my best friend (You're my best friend!)
When those guys gave me the wrong directions to Mark Hagen's party
You told me it wasn't that great
Cause you're my best friend! (You're my best friend!)
Best friends tell you when you got Cheetos in your teeth
Best friends dont ring your doorbell then punch you in the chest
You're my best friend!
(Best friends!) Dont call you Pit Stains or Marphy
(Best friends!) Way back when you waved hello!
(Best friends!) Don't hold their nose and point at you
(Best friends!) Help you find your hat
Oh, you're not just a friend
You're my best friend
(Take it!)
When those mean girls stole my pants and tied me to the front gate of the school
You told the teacher I was out there
Why? Cause you're my best friend! (You're my best friend!)
When Mr. Koocher's dog ran at me and bit me in the stomach
You were playing football so you couldn't help but I know you would've
Cause you're my best friend (You're my best friend!)
(Best friends!) Don't kneel behind you while the other guys push you
(Best friends!) Don't step on your sandwiches!
(Best friends!) Help you out of the caf. garbage can
(Best friends!) Don't tell you that Tracy Garner wants to dance with you
Oh, you're not just a friend... you're my best friend!
Oh, you're not just a friend! You're my best... friend!
Call me back!

The Mule Session - adam sandler

My girlfriend left me for a seven foot Indian
My grandma hung herself on a tree in the Caribbean
My sister's on the dope and my brother always picks his nose
And Daddy's only happy when he's wearing Mama's pantyhose, yeah
I just lost my job to a God damn robot (Good times!)
Then my dog got in the freeze box, he ate everything I got

But I've got my mule
He's a very, very nice mule
He walks with me home from school
Cause he's a very, very nice mule

When he was a baby my mother fed him gruel
But now he prefers to dine on his own stool
He always philosophizes with the rabbis after shul
Cause he's a very, very pious mule

When he sees a picture of a carrot he has a tendency to druel
On Halloween he tries to scare me by dressing up as a ghoul
He once challenged someone who stole my hat to a duel
Cause he's a very, very Old school mule

A needle-nosed plier is his favorite tool
He lifeguards on a volunteer basis and the Rec. Center pool
When I break down on the side of the road he shows up with unleaded fuel
He's a devoted fan of Ms. Paula Abdul

And also approves of the recent makeover of former folkie Jewel
When I told him Halle Berry's husband cheated he just shook his head and said to himself 'what a fool'
Cause he's a very, very monogamous mule

[snoring] Porkchop! Wake up, man, the session's not over!

After several well-publicized arrests for public urination he now drinks exclusively O'Doul
And every year he puts on a presentation at the Boys Club to show kids smoking isn't cool
His favorite Elvis song is 'Don't be Cruel', no it's 'Hound Dog'
I was just kidding you